Mapp & Lucia Glossary ~ Introduction

Welcome to my Glossary of Mapp & Lucia, a not-very-scholarly, beginner's guide to the worlds of Riseholme and Tilling created by E.F.Benson.

The glorious history of Elizabeth Mapp and Emmeline Lucas, known as Lucia, is set out in six novels beginning with Queen Lucia concerning Lucia's life in Riseholme and then Lucia in London which moves between a season in London and home in Riseholme.

Miss Mapp introduces up properly to Elizabeth Mapp and the charms of Tilling. Our two heroines are magnificently confronted in Mapp and Lucia and their immortal combat continues throughout Lucia's Progress and Trouble for Lucia. The torch was authentically carried forward in two further Lucia novels in Benson's style by Tom Holt and most recently by Guy Fraser-Sampson's Major Benjy.

As well as the main protagonists, each location boasts a plethora of engaging characters ranging from consorts Georgie Pillson and Major Benjamin Flint to supporting cast Daisy Quantock, Olga Bracely, Diva Plaistow, Quaint Irene Coles, the Bartlett's and the Wyses. Life is a maelstrom of lunches and dinners, bridge and planchette, gossip and snobbery. Lucia's world is a unique one of un po di mu, divino Mozartino, Moonlight Sonata, local politics, yoga, bicycling and any number of thrilling diversions watched by Elizabeth Mapp with narrowed eyes, ever resentful of the gross usurpation her place at the helm of Tilling society and as chatelaine of Mallards.

Born in 1867 at Wellington College, the author Edward Frederick Benson - known as Fred - was the son of its headmaster Edward White Benson, who was later to become Archbishop of Canterbury. After Marlborough and King's College, Cambridge Benson worked in the British School of Archaeology in Athens.

His first novel Dodo was a great success when published in 1893 and there followed a prolific career of eighty books, including the Mapp and Lucia comedies and many other novels and biographies.

Benson lived in the Sussex town of Rye for many years and was Mayor between 1934 and 1937. He appears to have based Tilling upon Rye and Mallards upon his own home there, Lamb House. Riseholme bears some resemblance to Broadway.

Championed by the likes of Noel Coward, Nancy Mitford and W.H.Auden, the stories of Mapp and Lucia have enjoyed a continued following around the world and owe some of their popularity to Benson's lightness of touch and feeling for the nuances of personality and the way middle class English society worked at this time. It is insightful, arch, amusing and uplifting.

Welcome to the world of Mapp and Lucia! As Lucia might say "We begin together. Now...Uno, due, TRE!"

A ~ is for Antrobus

Abfou ~ spirit guide of Daisy Quantock in Riseholme whose messages were manifested in automatic writing via the planchette. His interesting communications prompted the establishment of the Riseholme Museum and popularised planchette as the psychic paraphernalia of choice amongst devotees in Riseholme Society.

So synonymous was he with use of the planchette that his name became a verb and enthusiasts were soon assembling over the planchette to abfou.

Age ~ delicate though the subject might be, it is disclosed early in "Queen Lucia" that Lucia boasted "40 respectable years " and Georgie a "blameless 45 years."

Ahab Crow ~ see Crow, Ahab

Alderstout, Mr ~ author of convincing pamphlet championed by Daisy Quantock which indicated that the world was a better place when you are two inches taller. One Of Daisy's sincere but passing enthusiasms.

Algernon Wyse ~ of the notable family, Wyses of Whitchurch. His sister Amelia had married the Conte di Fariglione, of the old Neapolitan nobility. Conte Cecco di Fariglione and his Contessa, Amelia sent bounteous supplies of quails, figs and delicious honey from their estate in ravishing Capri to the Wyses in Tilling - no less lovely in its own way.

Late marriage to Susan nee Poppit MBE. Resided at Starling Cottage in Porpoise Street in Tilling.

A man of almost excessive courtesy and a courtly manner with much bowing and florid expression. Fair-mindedly, Mr Wyse tried to remain above the hurly burly of the disputes that often arose in Tilling; he always refused to be drawn into social crises. Resigned from the hanging committee of Tilling's Arts Club on a point of principle when Miss Mapp unilaterally rejected submissions by Lucia and Georgie, but resumed office on Miss Mapp's resignation and immediately offered the position of President to Lucia.

Without being in the least effeminate, Mr Wyse often dressed like a modern troubadour favouring on one occasion a velveteen coat, soft, fluffy mushy tie which looked is if made of Shirley poppies, very neat knickerbockers, brown stockings with blobs, like the fruit of plane trees and shoes with a cascade of leather frilling covering the laces. Evening wear of velveteen dress clothes and a soft, crinkly shirt with a low collar did cause him to look rather like a conjurer. Another favourite evening suit was cut from sapphire blue velvet, with a soft pleated shirt, a sapphire solitaire and bright blue socks. This attire made its debut on the same evening as Georgie's ruby velvet dress suit when the pair looked like two middle-aged mannequins

As well as knickerbockers, his individualistic taste in fashion frequently featured bows at the neck, often in pronounced colours. He also sported a monocle and referred to luncheon as breakfast - particularly when his sister the Contessa was visiting.

When cycling became the rage in Tilling, Mr Wyse introduced a new style: he was already an adept and, instead of wearing a preoccupied expression, made no more of it than if he was strolling about on foot. He could take his hand of his handle-bar to raise his hat to the Mayor, as if one hand was all he needed. Mrs Wyse, on the other hand, favoured a stylish tricycle. See Susan Wyse, Chesterfield terms.

Alingsby, Sophie (Mrs.) ~ a weird bright young thing, a member of Lucia's social circle during her season in London. An avid Luciaphil and keen post-cubist.

Tall, intense and dressed like a bird of paradise that had been out in a high gale, but very well-connected. She had long straight hair that fell over her forehead and sometimes got in her eyes and wore a scarlet jockey-cap with an immense cameo on the front of it

She hated all art that was earlier than 1923 and a considerable lot of what was later. In music, she was primitive and thought Bach decadent. In literature, her taste was for stories without a story and poems without metre or meaning.

She had collected about her a group of interesting outlaws, of whom the men looked like women and the women like nothing at all. Though nobody ever knew what they were talking about, they themselves were talked about.

Loathed dogs and took a particular dislike to Lady Ambermere's Pug whilst visiting The Hurst. Considered Lady Ambermere a crashing old hag. Following her weekend at The Hurst was regarded by residents of Riseholme as a "Yahoo".

Lucia's general opinion of Sophie was that she might be useful up to point, for she certainly excited interest.

Almond trees ~ Lucia's munificence towards Tilling from the proceeds of her successful financial career in share dealing, under the guidance of her broker Mammoncash, extended to funding the planting of more than fifty late-flowering almond trees. The plantation was intended to cover the bare bank of land above the newly finished road from the south which curved round the bottom of the hill on which Tilling stood, rising to the line of its ancient wall and its landmark Norman tower.

Lucia looked forward to seeing a "foam of pink blossom for la bella Primavera." After planting Elizabeth Mapp-Flint predictably considered the "poor almond trees sad and pinched" and with "hardly a blossom on them." She helpfully inquired if they "weren't the flowering sort" and whether they would "get acclimatised after some years."

Typically, Lucia responded firmly that "They're coming out beautifully", that she had "never seen such healthy trees in all my life" and that "By next week they will be a blaze of blossom. Blaze." See Steps.

Alton, Herbert : prominent society caricaturist who captured and exhibited Lucia and Pepino during their season in London.

Pepino's caricature featured him in the knee breeches of levee dress, tripping over his sword, entangled with his legs, with a cocked hat on the back of his head. With his eyes very much apart, no nose and a small agonised hole in his face for a mouth, he was supposed to be saying "At whatever personal inconvenience, I must live up to Lucia".

Lucia was shown with a pile of unopened letters on the floor and on the table. It bore the legend "Oh, these duchesses! They give one no peace!" There was not much of her face to be seen for she was talking into a telephone. Her skirt and shingled hair were very short and there was a wealth of weary resignation in the limpness of her carriage.

Mistakenly called Bertie or even Bobbie by social-climbing Lucia - a gaffe spotted by the acute Adele Brixton. Somewhat unusually, Lucia commissioned the artist to produce the caricatures for a handsome fee on the condition that they would be displayed at his exhibition at the little Rutland Gallery. Although the caricatures were necessarily satirical they were only blandly so, but gave cachet and guaranteed publicity.

Amadeo ~ spirit guide of Daisy Quantock's psychic medium, Princess Popoffski. He was a Florentine and knew Dante quite well.

Ambermere Arms ~ public house and hotel in Riseholme run by Mr Stratton. It operated also as Riseholme's antique shop and sold much furniture and many historic artefacts and objets to visiting tourists - often American.

Lady Ambermere, Cornelia ~ formidable grand dame of Riseholme. Resided at The Hall with downtrodden companion, poor Miss Lyall and the neurotic Pug. Her late husband Lord Ambermere was a cousin of Olga Bracely's husband, Charlie/Georgie Shuttleworth and a second cousin of Georgie Pillson's mother, who was a Bartlett. He was formerly Governor of Madras and Lord and Lady Ambermere spent many years resident in India.

Imperious in manner and entirely self-obsessed, firmly believing that all who met her enjoyed the privilege it entailed. Honoured Lucia by attending her garden party at The Hurst with Miss Lyall and Pug, but left before the tardy, croquet-delayed arrival of diva Olga Bracely and missed her performance before a delighted audience of Riseholmeites in the smoking room.

Olga Bracely irreverently called her The Parrot and referred to that great hook nose of hers - daringly adding I'm always afraid that in an absent moment I might scratch on her head and say, "Pretty Polly". Insultingly described by Sophie Alingsby as a crashing old hag.

Was disposed to lend an antique pair of mittens allegedly owned by Queen Charlotte to the recently established Museum in Riseholme and submitted an excessive claim for £50 compensation when they were destroyed in the subsequent unfortunate conflagration. Lady Ambermere received a counter-offer of ten shillings and sixpence in final settlement.

Was also shocked when Lucia informed her that the Committee of Riseholme Museum declined her offer of a glass case containing the stuffed remains of her recently deceased lap dog, Pug.

Amelia di Fariglione, Contessa ~ wife of Count Cecco di Fariglione of Capri and sister of Algernon Wyse.

Tall, lean, sporting a single eye glass on a string, which was apt to fall into her soup, vivacious and good humoured - also commonly talked with her mouth full and drank a great deal of wine. At dinner, would occasionally address remarks in shrill and voluble Italian.

Prone to the occasional gaffe. Confident aristocratic demeanour, flirty and with a surprisingly broad sense of humour for someone of her station. Although the Countess tended to confuse the names of the various members of Tilling society, she took great interest in their affairs which extended to matchmaking: We must have more marriages in Tilling.

The somewhat tropical Italian remarks by the Countess to Major Flint - whom she regarded as my flirt - at dinner and an invitation to tea a deux, prompted in Miss Mapp a certain jealousy. Very sophisticated continental views on certain subjects, such as her husband's mistress of many years - such a good-natured, pretty woman.

Later, kindly supplied Fariglione honey from Capri to Mrs Mapp-Flint when erroneously under the impression that she was with child.

Amy, Lucas, Aunt ~ late aunt of Philip Lucas who bequeathed him her large estate, including a furnished London townhouse, 25 Brompton Square. Reputedly, the subject of an acclaimed full length portrait by Sargent and owner of a set of pearls, some Chinese Chippendale chairs and fine Queen Anne furniture. Departed this mortal coil at the age of 83.

Institutionalised in a private lunatic asylum in later years, although this was always referred to by the family as a nursing home. Understood to have bitten her nephew during his final very rare visit, which required his arm to be in a sling for a week afterwards and gave rise to a fear of blood poisoning.

Lucia in full mourning and faltering very visibly, remarked implausibly that the death came as a terrible blow and improbably that she and Pepino had hoped that Auntie Amy might be spared us for a few years yet.

Annabel ~ spirit guide of Piggy Antrobus during the visit of Princess Popoffski to Daisy Quantock and automatic writing was all the rage in Riseholme. See Nicostratus and Jamifleg.

Antrobus, Mrs ~ long-time resident of Riseholme and neighbour of Lucia. Described as having a ham like face and an ear trumpet. Sometimes - confusingly - "Arbuthnot".

Mother of two athletic daughters Goosie and Piggy, past the first flush of youth. Later became so deaf that even the most expensive ear trumpet was of no use and mastered the deaf and dumb alphabet. In a display of impeccable manners, many other Riseholme residents learned it too in time for her birthday party, so that Mrs Antrobus could understand what was being said.

Antrobus, Goosie ~ sister of Piggy, often seen capering about the Green in Riseholme, jumping over the stocks in a playful way and generally romping, or indeed frisking, about. The sisters never walked like other people: they skipped and gambolled to show how girlish an age is thirty-four and thirty-five.

This girlish athleticism was intended to capture the attention of available bachelors. Initially their attention was turned to Georgie Pillson, but their nimble movements did not remotely succeed in capturing his affections. Subsequently the same approach was adopted towards Colonel Boucher with similar lack of response.

Antrobus, Piggy ~ sister of Goosie Antrobus. Whilst Lucia was away in London, Piggy told Georgie she Wanted to do some duets upon the piano, but Georgie responded "No, thanks"

Apophthegms ~ Lucia delighted in devising (or appropriating) and expounding apophthegms with the certain expectation that they would do the rounds of Riseholme or Tilling next day. Examples included:

• My dear, it is just busy people who have time for everything.


• This Riseholme life with its finish and its exquisiteness spoils one for other places.


• London is like a railway station: it has no true life of its own.


• What slaves some people are to their servants.


• If being busy was a crime, I am sure there are few of us here who would 'scape hanging.


• You know my views about music, and the impossibility of hearing music at all, if you are stuck in the middle of a row of people.


• A musical composition is like an architectural building: it must be built up and constructed. How often have I said that! You must have colour, and you must have line, otherwise I cannot concede you the right to say you have music.


• Very little art can 'stand' daylight: only Shakespeare and Dante and Beethoven, and perhaps Bach, can compete with the sun.


• You know how I hate display. Shakespeare was content with the most modest scenery for his masterpieces, and it would be a great mistake if we allowed ourselves to be carried away by mere wasteful opulence.


• Art is not advanced by romping, and we are able to enjoy ourselves without two hundred caviar sandwiches being left over.


• It is only in loneliness, as Goethe says, that perceptions put forth their flowers.


• Is it not Goethe who says that we ripen in solitude?


• Tranquility comes with years, and that horrid thing which Freud calls sex is expunged.


• So many pictures have been ruined by being varnished too much.


• Safety first, always.


• I count it a privilege to be able, in my position, to set an example.


• The B.B.C., I don't deny, is doing good work, but lectures delivered viva voce are so much more vivid. Personal magnetism.


• Jewels are vulgar, except at night.


• Dear Daisy is too short-sighted to see how short-sighted she is.


• To the lover of Beethoven gramophones are like indecent or profane language loudly used in a public place


• Isn't Debussy the man who always makes me want to howl like a dog at the sound of the gong, and wonder when it's going to begin?


• Wagner is totally lacking in knowledge of dramatic effects.


• Psychics hate a crowd, because it disturbs the influences


• It is a mistake to remain in the same waters too long. There comes a tide in the affairs of men, which, if you don't nip it in the bud, leads on to boredom


• What would life be without sunsets? And to think that this miracle happens every day, except when it's very cloudy!


• After all, it isn't the years that give the measure of one's age, but energy and capacity for enterprise. Achievement. Adventure.


• I rather like to see people a little, just a little squiffy at my expense. It makes me feel I'm being a good hostess.


• I consider it is a disgrace to be tired.


• Always be busy: work, work, work.


• Always appreciate, always admire.


• I will not have one law for the rich and another for the poor in Tilling


• You can't get people to believe what they won't believe by telling them that it's true.

Apollinaris bottle ~ in the archaeological excavations in the garden following her acquisition of Mallards House Lucia came across a large and iridescent piece of glass stamped with the letters "APOL".

Lucia immediately jumped to the conclusion that the fragment was part of a sacrificial vessel from the Temple of Apollo that she suspected was located under the site. Her hopes were cruelly dashed when she came across further shards with the remaining letters "LINARIS".

Rather than cast further light upon her error, Lucia immediately terminated the excavation and had the holes well stamped down. She cancelled further press coverage and the planned visit from Professor Arbuthnot of the British Museum.

She did however display upon her piano certain artefacts of varying antiquity from locations other than her garden, but never troubled to dispel the illusion that they had been found there.

Arbuthnot, Mrs. ~ see Antrobus

Arbuthnot, Professor ~ expert in Roman antiquities whose visit to examine the finds in the dig in the garden at Mallards House was summarily cancelled when Lucia sadly realised they were fragments of drain pipes and modern glass bottles

Ardingly Park ~ country house near to Tilling where the Prince of Wales spent one summer weekend. He was understood to have travelled to the area by train disembarking in Tilling and to have spent an enjoyable afternoon playing golf on its links. Next day His Royal Highness spent an unhurried and undisturbed morning enjoying the sights of Tilling.

Armaud ~ marque of Georgie's motor car.

Art Club Exhibition ~ art works by the citizens of Tilling were displayed in an annual exhibition each summer. The hanging committee initially comprised Miss Mapp and Mr and Mrs Wyse.

On one occasion eyebrows were raised when Miss Mapp unilaterally rejected submissions by newcomers Lucia and Georgie without consulting her fellow committee members; the intentional slight was subsequently rectified and the works in question displayed prominently on free-standing easels.

On Miss Mapp's resignation from the committee when her conduct came to light, Lucia was appointed President of the Club. On her appointment, Lucia instigated an additional Winter Exhibition in which local artists were to present their work by invitation. When she found she had not been so invited, Miss Mapp submitted a picture of her own un-invited and was disgruntled when it was returned with a type-written form conveying the regrets of the Committee that the limited wall space at its disposal would not permit Miss Mapp's picture being exhibited.

On another occasion, after much critical acclaim Quaint Irene Coles' Birth of Venus, a satirical portrait of Mr and Mrs Mapp-Flint, was displayed at the exhibition - after it had been declared Picture of the Year and displayed at the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition.

The picture was based upon Irene's famous photograph of Elizabeth Mapp-Flint that appeared in the Hampshire Argus standing on one foot as if skating, with the other poised in the air behind her. Her face wore a beckoning smile and one arm was outstretched in eager solicitation. The effect was completed by Elizabeth's Victorian garb of shawl, bonnet, striped skirt and button boots standing on an oyster shell and being blown into Tilling by her Benjy-boy in frock coat and top hat among the clouds with a bottle secreted in his umbrella.

Irene graciously permitted it to be exhibited in Tilling, provided it was displayed alone and the amateur daubs of her neighbours were all removed. She also required the wall in question to be repainted duck-egg green beforehand and a decorative arrangement removed from the vicinity, lest it prove a distraction from her master-piece.

Irene's portrait of Lucia in Mayoral robes was also displayed there at the same time - prior to the rejection of Lucia's proposed gift of the painting by Tilling Council at the mischievous instigation of the Mayoress Elizabeth Mapp-Flint.

See Picture of the Year

Atkinson ~ Colonel Boucher's servant. Married Elizabeth

Au reservoir ~ delicious malaprop first used in Tilling by Miss Mapp and swiftly widely adopted. Understood to have been first heard by Miss Mapp on a visit to a friend in the pretty village of Riseholme in the Midlands. Much enjoyed by all, save for Quaint Irene Coles, who dismissed it as a silly old chestnut.

Aunt Amy ~ see Amy, Aunt

Aunt Amy's pearls ~ a little collar of remarkably small seed pearls inherited by Pepino upon the death of Aunt Amy and faultlessly captured in Sargent's full-length portrait of his late aunt. Their size and value was relentlessly discussed and exaggerated in Riseholme and Lucia was relieved by the eventual decision to sell them when disposing of 25 Brompton Square. Despite this decision, they appear not to have been sold and Lucia wore them several times in her hair, including in Olga Braceley's box at the London premier of Cortese's opera "Lucretia", at the banquet to celebrate her inauguration as Mayor of Tilling and at dinner with the Mapp-Flints. See Infelicities.

Aunt Caroline ~ see Caroline Mapp, Aunt

B ~ is for Bibelots

Babs Shyton ~ party in notorious society divorce case followed by Lucia during her sojourn for the London season. Wife of Colonel Shyton known by Babs as SP or Stinkpot. Leading Luciaphil Adele Brixton perceptively conjectured that poor Babs' case put it into Lucia's head that in this naughty world it gave a cachet to a woman to have the reputation of having a lover . See Colonel Shyton and Woof-dog

Baby talk ~ Lucia and Georgie often spoke an intimate dialect of baby-language with a peppering of Italian words; thus: "Is that 'oo, Georgino mio? Lubbly to hear your voice again. Come Sta? Is 'oo fatigato? Then 'oo shall rest."

It was used to be apologetic, "Me vewwy sowy!" playful, "Oo naughty too! " to conceal strong feelings, "She no likey gramophone at all. Nebber!" and ingratiating, "How is oo? Me vewwy well sank 'oo".

In this vein, books for example became "bookie-wookie's" and very difficult, "dwefful diffy". The habit exposed Lucia and Georgie to satire, as when Elizabeth Mapp archly mimicked Lucia calling to Georgie to ignore her "belly-pelly", but they normally succeeded in rising above it. See Language.

Bartlett, Evie ~ wife of Kenneth, the vicar of Tilling. Small and often compared to a mouse in terms of her voice, stature and demeanour.

A member of the higher social circle in Tilling and one of several ladies disappointed in her desire to be appointed Lady Mayoress during the term of Lucia as Mayor of Tilling.

Enjoyed a passion for that deplorable vegetable, the parsnip.

Bartlett, Kenneth ~ husband of Evie and vicar of Tilling, where he resided in Church Square. Although hailing from Birmingham and thus of Midland English stock, he affected a broad and archaic Scots, Irish dialect or spurious Elizabethan English at most times. His face was knobbly, like a chest of drawers. A keen golfer, a very competitive bridge player - particularly if playing for money - and active member of the highest echelon of Tilling society.

Like many of his flock, the Padre was a fierce opponent of British Summer Time.

Bravely set off (at his own ruinous expense in a taxi) in search of Major Flint and Captain Puffin when it was feared that they were about to duel amidst the sand dunes. Fortunately, after an exhausting search, he discovered them safe and sound about to put on the eighteenth green. Extremely fond of dressed crab. See Scottish dialect and British Summer Time

Beaucourt, Dora (Mrs.) ~ guest at certain society parties during Lucia's London season, who had just astounded the world by her scandalous volume of purely imaginary reminiscences.

Benjamin Flint, Major Retd. ~ a long-time resident of Tilling after retirement from the army where he spent many happy years in India. Claimed he was called Sporting Benjy in his regiment. Much affected by the time serving the Raj, his home was filled with moth-eaten tiger skins and other memorabilia. Often asserted he had seen a good deal of shikarri in his time - although not everyone was sure precisely what shikarri entailed.

His speech was peppered with phrases in Hindustani and the Major was wont to summon his breakfast porridge with a roar of Quai Hai.

He enjoyed golf and a wager with his old friend and neighbour Captain Puffin with whom he often argued relentlessly over the niceties of play.

Sometimes disagreements grew out of hand, particularly when fuelled by liquor, and on one occasion brought about a phantom duel which did not take place since both protagonists took flight to catch the London train only to meet at the station and settle their differences.

They shared bibulous evenings over drinks, alternating between each other's homes. This behaviour met with disapproval from their neighbour Miss Elizabeth Mapp who underwent a distressingly frank exchange with Captain Puffin in the foggy street late at night.

The ensuing froideur between Miss Mapp and Puffin never really evaporated, but Major Benjamin capitulated entirely and apologised.

From this point Miss Mapps' affection for the man only she called Major Benjy or Benjy boy grew.

When Miss Mapp was swept away to sea after the deluge at Grebe, Major Flint found he was the major beneficiary under her will and set about spending some of his new wealth on a car and wine with unseemly haste. Naturally an explosion ensued upon Miss Mapp's miraculous deliverance which only abated after lengthy self-abasement by the Major.

Ultimately, the Major married Elizabeth and they honeymooned in Monte Carlo.

Losses incurred in unwise continued speculation in Siriami shares and general lack of funds ultimately induced the Mapp-Flints to exchange Mallards for Grebe and a cash sum.

After marriage, Major Benjy required cunning to continue to imbibe to the extent he preferred, but managed this on many occasions. Sometimes intoxication led to embarrassment, as found with his hand upon Lucia's knee after too much wine over dinner or when induced to visit the local newspaper to horse whip its editor for publishing a less-than-flattering photograph of his good lady wife and instead joined the culprit for a good many drinks and extended an invitation to luncheon.

Major Benjy considered Lucia a fine looking woman but did not admire some of Mr Georgie's less-than-manly ways, sarcastically referring to him as Miss Milliner Michael-Angelo.

The Major enjoyed nothing more than a good dinner, a great deal to drink and a few rubbers of bridge and was entirely in thrall to his good lady wife, whom he considered one of the fairies, God bless 'em.

Beethoven expression~ facial demeanour to be worn in Riseholme and Tilling when listening to Lucia's rendition of the slow movement from the Moonlight Sonata. With head tilted to one side it was intended to connote rapt concentration, sensitivity, uplift and enjoyment - invariably to be followed by a lengthy sigh.

Beggar maid ~ role somewhat implausibly played by Lucia in tableaux, opposite Georgie's equally improbable King Cophetua

Benjy boy ~ affectionate name used by Elizabeth Mapp-Flint for her new husband, even (and perhaps, particularly) in company: a development of her earlier invention, Major Benjy.

Benjy's riding whip ~ the leather crop with a silver top engraved with BF, the initials of Benjamin Flint. By repute, the crop was Major Flint's most cherished relic since he claimed to have smacked an Indian tiger over the face with it whilst he picked up his gun with which to shoot the unfortunate creature.

Major Flint had impetuously taken the whip with him with which to chastise Mr Connell, the Editor of the Hampshire Argus for publishing a less-than-flattering snap of his good lady wife, taken by Quaint Irene Coles.

As it happened, the Major swiftly more than overcame his differences with Mr Connell over a good many drinks and returned for lunch with his his newest friend, absent-mindedly leaving the precious crop behind. Ever dutiful, Elizabeth Mapp Flint recovered the crop from the offices, but mislaid it on the way home at Diva Plaistow's tea shop. It emerged that Diva's dog Paddy had eaten all of the crop, other than the engraved silver top. The incriminating top was subsequently buried in the garden at Wasters only to be accidentally discovered by Georgie Pillson when showing Diva how to plant bulbs.

Georgie carried the top about with him for some time, but later accidentally dropped it onto the desk in the morning room at Mallards House. During an evening at Mallards House, Elizabeth Mapp-Flint, sharp-eyed and proprietorial as ever, immediately recognised the top, pocketed it and took it home. Then she arranged for a facsimile of the crop to be created with the original silver top and to the astonishment of those in-the-know arranged for Benjamin to use the crop for dramatic effect in his colourful lecture on shooting tigers in India.

To top her, Lucia secretly had a further facsimile of the crop made and then arranged for it to be discovered behind a cupboard at Diva's tea shop. Again, those in-the-know in Tilling enjoyed Elizabeth Mapp's discomfiture following the discovery. Their pleasure was increased by the fact that they did not comment upon it.

Bibelots ~ precious objects kept by Georgie Pillson in a glass-topped case and cleaned regularly and personally only by him. They included a gold Louis XVI snuff box, miniature by Karl Huth, silver toy porringer of the time of Queen Anne, a piece of Bow china and an enamelled cigarette case by Faberge. It was generally understood that he had inherited them (though the inheritance had passed to him through the medium of curiosity shops) and there were several pieces of considerable value among them.

Sadly, certain of the bibelots were stolen by the fleeing guru prior to his exposure as a dishonest curry cook. The observant Mrs Weston noted that the missing snuff box, cigarette case and Bow china were replaced by a rat-tail spoon, a bit of Worcester china, a different cigarette case and a bead bag.

Bicycling ~ Lucia first developed a lust for speed following a near-miss with a boy cycling past her in the street in Tilling at break-neck pace. Lucia and then Georgie began to learn to bicycle in the quiet lanes outside Tilling. The phase was not without its mishaps and Lucia had two collisions with the same roadside tar pot - each costing her half a crown in compensation.

Lucia and Georgie soon progressed to practising on the wider expanses of the beach and ultimately acquired new bicycles and rode in public. Their bicycles were nickel plated, belled and braked and, as befitted the Mayor, Lucia's tool-bag behind the saddle bore the Borough Arms of Tilling.

The couple's cycling debut caused quite a stir in Tilling particularly when Lucia allowed - indeed encouraged -herself to be charged and brought before the Tilling Magistrates on a charge of cycling dangerously fast in Landgate Street.

She was understood to have ridden at 20 MPH although subsequently this was commonly exaggerated to 30 MPH. Lucia stood down from the bench whilst her case was heard and did not ask for time to pay her fine of twenty shillings.

The case featured with a photograph in the Hampshire Argus but, although Lucia had instructed Mrs Simpson to inform the Central News Agency, the trial was not reported in the national or international press.

Many others from Tilling's elite joined in the cycling craze which combined well with summer outings and picnics.

Susan Wyse favoured a jaunty tricycle, whilst her husband Algernon could ride using only one hand, leaving the other free to raise his hat courteously to passing friends.

Only Elizabeth Mapp Flint despised the fad, although she claimed to have learned to ride a bicycle in ten minutes whilst a girl. Mrs Mapp-Flint was greatly upset when the Padre suggested that this was remarkable for in those days there was only those great high machines which you rode straddle.

Birmingham Gazette ~ Midland newspaper

Blitton ~ town nearby Riseholme. Location of its fire-station.

Blue Birdie ~ the late blue budgerigar or parakeet of Susan Wyse which tragically fluttered off its mortal coil when accidentally sat upon by its mistress. Mrs Wyse assuaged her considerable grief by having Blue Birdie stuffed to adorn her ample bosom or dress her hat.

Unfortunately, its undignified death was compounded when, in a careless moment, it fell into a raspberry souffle at lunch at Mallards House and henceforth was seen out and about in Tilling with red plumage.

The demise of Blue Birdie affected Susan Wyse badly; she focused all her energies upon seances at Starling Cottage - wearing a voluminous white shift. Here Blue Birdie prompted automatic writing. In consequence Susan's hitherto keen appreciation of the comforts and interests of life, her fur coat, her Royce, her shopping and her bridge were all tasteless to her.

Her concerned husband Algernon was worried that Susan would become unhinged if it continued. To bring matters to a head he removed the corpse of Blue Birdie from its ebony -or possibly ebonite - shrine with white satin curtains - and Lucia filed it in one of her Mayoral black japanned tin boxes labelled "Museum".

Once the corpse had been removed Susan was eventually persuaded by Lucia that Blue Birdie had departed to the other side and at last found peace.

The corpse of Blue Birdie, thus locked its Mayoral tin box, was found, badly decomposed and reeking of disinfectant and decay, to the horror of Lucia's secretary Mrs. Simpson. By an unfortunate coincidence, this macabre discovery took place just as Susan Wyse arrived at Mallards House. With Blue Birdie cremating on the fire in the morning room, the smell of burnt feathers permeating the house and the odd blue feather floating down to settle upon the carpet, Lucia swiftly led Mrs Wyse into the garden and successfully distracted her with conversation. Blue Birdie made no further re-appearances in Tilling in bodily or spirit form.

Blumenthal piano ~ an antique piano less fine than claimed by Miss Mapp left in Mallards during Lucia's initial summer let. Not being to the standard required by Lucia, it was -to the intense irritation of Elizabeth Mapp - promptly removed to the telephone room during her initial stay and a better instrument hired-in from Brighton.

Boaler ~ servant of Lucia and Pepino in Riseholme

Bonstetter, Professor ~ renowned psychoanalyst. Lucia attended a lecture by him on psycho-analysis in the black drawing room at Sophie Alingsby's house. She learned curiously that if you dreamed about boiled rabbit, it meant that sometime in early childhood you had been kissed by a poacher in a railway-carriage and had forgotten all about it!

Boon ~ sulky, monosyllabic and somewhat bovine butler of Susan Poppit. Made excellent -and very alcoholic - redcurrant fool.

Boucher, Jacob Colonel ~ resident of Riseholme. After some matchmaking by Olga Bracely, married his friend and neighbour, Mrs Weston - at about the time his manservant Atkinson married Mrs Weston's Elizabeth.

Military in bearing, somewhat brusque in manner and limited vocabulary with much use of Haw hum, By Jove, old man and the occasional Pshaw! Known to hate Georgie's embroidery.

Owner of two bulldogs which he often exercised on the Green, with much throwing of sticks into the ducking pond. Was obliged to give one bulldog away to his brother, since it always growled so frightfully at Mrs Boucher.

Boucher, Mrs Jane ~ see Mrs Jane Weston

Boxing Day 1930 ~ memorable day upon which Miss Mapp and Lucia were swept out to sea on an upturned kitchen table when the sea defences were breached and a flood engulfed Grebe.

Boy, small red-haired ~ disguise adopted by operatic prima donna Olga Bracely when she wished to sing incognito, for example in church in Riseholme or amongst the carol singers at Georgie's Christmas dinner party. On each occasion, Lucia referred to "the small red haired boy who nearly deafens me" and expressed the vehement wish that his voice would "crack soon".

Brace Mrs. ~ wife of the doctor in Tilling (other than Mr Dobbie, that is). Though Mrs Brace was not strictly in society, Miss Mapp waived all social distinctions and spoke to her when trying to obtain details of the sad passing of Captain Puffin.

Bracely, Olga (Mrs Shuttleworth) ~ a famous prima donna of the opera for whom Signor Cortese wrote his new work Lucretia (sometimes Lucrezia).

Olga Bracely was in fact her stage and maiden name since she was recently married to Mr Shuttleworth - a cousin of the late Lord Ambermere and whom Georgie, for once rebellious, allowed Lucia incorrectly to address as Mr Bracely. Confusingly, referred to as Charlie by Lady Ambermere and Georgie by his wife.

Olga leased Old Place in Riseholme and soon became firm platonic friends with Georgie Pillson, who admired her as an artist and adored her as a person.

She acquired Old Place secretly as a surprise for her husband using her devoted friend Georgie to oversee repairs, decoration and furnishing. As Olga predicted, her husband was delighted with Old Place and gave it to his wife as a gift.

Olga freely admitted that she came out of an orphan school in Brixton but would much have preferred the gutter. She suggested that Georgie keep this from the snobbish Lady Ambermere, but tell her she belonged to the Surrey Bracely's - which was after-all correct, since Brixton is on the Surrey side.

Olga entered into social life in Riseholme after making her belated debut at Lucia's garden party. She arrived late, having felt obliged to finish a post-prandial game of croquet with Georgie, just as many guests were leaving disappointed, but saved the day by performing the Salutation of Brunnhilde to her own accompaniment - after finding Lucia's efforts as accompanist not quite up to scratch.

Her many new friends enjoyed Olga's informal romps at New Place, which featured children's games. Although several neighbours attempted to reciprocate with their own romps, they lacked the necessary joie de vivre to carry them off at all plausibly.

Olga was obliged to leave Riseholme to present Lucretia in America for four months and then in Australia. When asked to accompany her as her guest, Georgie touchingly declared he was unable to take up Olga's invitation: Because I adore you.

On Olga's return to the country following her tour, Georgie found her as enchanting as ever -particularly when contrasted with Lucia who had grown even more self-obsessed as Mayor of Tilling. By this time Olga had been widowed, but had lost none of her former charm and vivacity.

She invited Georgie and Lucia to her box for a gala performance in London of Lucretia and entertained them at Old Place in Riseholme. Olga made a strong impression upon the residents of Tilling when visiting Mallards House and the ladies of Tilling were inspired by her glamorous appearance to try to improve their own maquillage or make-up.

Georgie attended her house party in Le Touquet, although his visit was made less enjoyable by the unwelcome attentions of the barbophilic Poppy, Duchess of Sheffield.

At about this time Olga began to work upon Signor Cortese's new opera composed for her, Diane de Poictiers.

Bridge ~ a favourite pastime in both Riseholme and particularly Tilling. Bridge was the mainstay of much social life and the chief intellectual pursuit.

Considerable debate took place over particular conventions such as majority-calling, rising to arguments over revocations, scores and winnings claimed or owed. The war between Contract and Auction ended with the extermination of the latter, since Contract gave so much more scope for violent differences of opinion about honour tricks, declarations and doublings and strong twos and takings-out, which added enjoyable spleen and savagery to the game.

Schools of thought followed included Culbertson, no club, two clubs and Leeway -which neither its exponent Diva Plaistow, nor anyone else understood. Lucia relied largely on psychic bids.

Tilling did not take kindly to the imposition of rules from any central authority - as evidenced by its only partial adherence to British Summer Time. Miss Mapp witheringly remarked: "I don't know by what right the Portland Club tells us how to play bridge. Tilling might just as well tell the Portland Club to eat salt with gooseberry tart, and for my part I shall continue to play the game I prefer."

Typically, Tilling rebelled en masse when Lucia felt that as Mayor she could not in conscience play for money. Tilling decided it preferred to play for modest stakes and continued to do so without Lucia until Worship's view of the issue had reverted. See British Summer Time.

Brinton ~ town nearby Riseholme. Excellent fresh fish suppliers to whom Mrs Weston sent her cook every week since she did not like the look of the successor to Henry Luton's mother.

Brinton String Quartet ~ awful string quartet that played in the lounge of the Royal Hotel in Brinton after dinner. Aptly described as doleful fiddlers. Embarrassingly mistaken by Lucia for the world-renowned Spanish Quartet at a party of Olga Bracely.

British Summer Time ~ introduced as a wartime measure in 1916, British Summer Time was set one hour ahead of Greenwich Mean Time for a period set by Parliament each year. Between 1930 and 1938, for example, it ran from a date in April to a date in October, providing an extra hour of daylight in the evening and one of the chronic dissensions of Tilling.

With certain exceptions, such as Major Flint and Captain Puffin, most of Tilling, including prominent figures such as Miss Mapp, Diva Plaistow and the Padre, utterly refused (except when going by train) to alter their watches because Mr Lloyd George told them so.

Typically, Quaint Irene was flippant on the subject and said that any old time would do for her. The Poppits followed convention, and Mrs Poppit, in naming the hour for a party to the stalwarts, wrote "4.30 (your 3.30)". The King, after all, had invited her to be decorated with her MBE at a particular hour, summer time, and what was good enough for the King was good enough for Mrs Poppit.

The strength of feeling on the issue locally was illustrated by the following remarks by the vicar, Kenneth Bartlett: "We feel keenly, I know, about summer-time in Tilling, though we shall all be reconciled over that next Sunday, when real time, 'God's time', as I am venturing to call it in my sermon, comes in again."

Brixton, Adele Lady ~ member of Lucia's social circle in London; a leading and perhaps the most perceptive Luciaphil. A cousin of Aggie Sandeman. A lean, intelligent American of large fortune who found she got on better without her husband. As Lord Brixton preferred living in America and she in England, satisfactory arrangements were easily made .

Occasionally she had to see relatives in America and he selected such periods for visiting family in England. Lady Brixton confirmed we blow kisses to each other from the decks of Atlantic liners going in opposite directions, if it's calm and if it's rough, we're sick into the same ocean.

Held a glittering weekend house party towards the end of the season at her country home attended by the Prime Minister, Greatorex the pianist , Professor Bonstetter the psycho- analyst, the Italian ambassador and other members of Lucia's social circle, including Marcia Whitby, Tony Limpsfied, and Stephen Merriall.

The weekend was eventful for Lucia who managed to secure an invitation to lunch at Chequers, play Stravinski for his most accomplished intepreter, discuss Mussolini with the Italian ambassador, share her views on psycho-analysis with Professor Bonstetter and voice her opinions upon the controversial Shyton divorce case in the presence of Archie Singleton, Babs' brother.

Lucia also contrived to walk entirely innocently but uninvited into the bedroom of her faux lover Steven Merriall to their mutual horror and embarrassment.

Her stay illuminated the weekend for assembled avid Luciaphils, but was terminated when Lucia received news of Pepino's deteriorating health and returned early to his bedside at The Hurst in Riseholme.

Subsequently purchased The Hurst when Lucia departed from Riseholme to make her home in Tilling. After buying The Hurst Lady Brixton built a swimming pool in the pleached alley in the garden and held mixed bathing parties. At about this time Lady Brixton's brother Colonel Cresswell purchased the neighbouring property of Georgie Pillson on his relocation to Tilling.

Brocklebank, Mrs ~ whilst Lucia was in seclusion feigning influenza to avoid revealing lack of fluent Italian during the visit to Tilling of Contessa Amelia di Fariglione, Georgie hid his own shortcomings in la bella lingua by a week's holiday in an hotel in Folkstone.

During his stay there he met the Brocklebank family, an English father, Italian mother and girl with a pig tail. The mother was teaching the child Italian and set her little themes on which to write. When requested by Mrs Brocklebank to suggest a subject, Georgie brilliantly said "Let her write a letter to an Italian countess whom she has never seen before and say how she regretted having to put off her musical party to which she had asked the Countess and her brother because she had caught influenza. She was so sorry not to meet her, and she was afraid that as the countess was only staying a week in the place, she would not have the pleasure of seeing her at all."

Lucia was able to use the draft which she transcribed in her own hand and had delivered to the luncheon (or rather breakfast) table at Starling Cottage just as the start of the meal. The countess was overwhelmed by the beauty and authenticity of Lucia's written Italian and thus was Lucia's linguistic reputation not only saved, but enhanced.

The letter also served to defuse Miss Mapp's disclosure of just having seen Lucia energetically skipping in the secret garden at Mallards, for since Lucia was now a proven Italianophone she had no need to feign illness to avoid conversation with the contessa.

25 Brompton Square ~ grand London home of Philip Lucas's late Aunt Amy (who once bit him during a visit to her in hospital ). The freehold house with its large music room was bequeathed to Mr Lucas and occupied for a season by Lucia prior to its eventual sale. Located virtually opposite a smaller townhouse rented by diva, Olga Bracely.

Brunnhilde ~ favourite role of Lucia in tableaux, generally found to be uplifting though Lucia's interpretation was not quite so acclaimed as the operatic role of the same name in which local prima donna, Olga Bracely also excelled.

Burma Corporation ~ company in whose shares Lucia invested from the proceeds of the sale of her stock in Siriami .

Busy indoors ~ phrase employed by Georgie to indicate that he was not available for any form of social engagement. On these solitary evenings, Georgie attended with rapt concentration to the sensitive and very personal business of dying his hair and later his Van Dyk goatee to the required delicate auburn hue.

This occurred about once a month when "even an invitation from his Queen" (Lucia not Mary one would suggest) would interrupt the business in hand. A faint suspicion of what Georgie was busy indoors about had long ago become public property in Riseholme -and later in Tilling, where powers of inductive reasoning were if anything even stronger. Although none of Georgie's friends talked about the nature of his engagements to anyone else, everybody else knew. Georgie's business indoors, in fact, was a perfect secret, simply because everybody was quite sure what it was.

On other, more intermittant, occasions the phrase was used to describe other residents of Tilling, such as when Diva Plaistow was absorbed in cutting out chintz roses from old curtains to adorn her day wear.

C ~ is for Cadman

Cadman, Harold ~ loyal chauffeur of Lucia. Married Foljambe, peerless parlourmaid of Georgie Pillson. Sometimes - confusingly - Chapman. It was Chapman, for example, who assisted Lucia in covertly practising her bicycling skills and drove her to Sheffield Castle in "Trouble for Lucia."

Cannick, Mr. ~ the grocer in Tilling.

Caporelli, Antonio ~ painter of the Venetian school whose biography was kept on prominent display at The Hurst by Lucia to impress her visitors. It is uncertain whether Lucia ever started let alone finished the volume, but much enjoyed informing Georgie that in consequence she could smell the salt tide creeping up over the lagoon and see the campanile of dear Torcello.

Captain Puffin ~ a plain-speaking bachelor, retired naval officer, small in stature. A neighbour of Major Benjamin Mapp in Tilling and his frequent partner for golf on the nearby links at the end of the tram line. Rounds of golf for a small wager were often punctuated with disagreement regarding the game or any number of topics.

Like Major Flint, Puffin enjoyed a drink which sometimes heightened the argument and on one occasion led to a threat of a duel. Actual conflict was only avoided when both potential duellers took flight in terror to catch the early train to London only to meet at the station and settle their differences. It only subsequently emerged that cowardice had prevailed whilst in the meantime the reputation of both potential protagonists in a dispute regarding a fair lady improved no end.

Reinforced by drink, on one occasion Puffin even dared stand up to the formidable Elizabeth Mapp in the street - late on a dark foggy night. He overcame Miss Mapp's threats to publicise his drunkenness by threatening to claim that she herself was drunk -as evidenced by her feigning to post an unstamped blank envelope in the middle of the night. Eventually, when Miss Mapp had worked out and circulated news of the joint cowardice of the duellists, Puffin humiliatingly apologised to Miss Mapp and was permitted to rejoin Tilling society and enjoy his golf with Major Flint.

For some time Puffin shared somewhat garrulous evenings with Major Flint over glasses of whisky alternating between their respective cottages whilst supposedly at work on his study of Roman roads.

After bouts of depression and dizziness, sadly Puffin departed this life at home. He was feared to have suffered a stroke and fell forward with his face in his soup plate. He drowned face-forward in a bowl of oxtail soup - an almost fitting end for a former sailor.

Someone of a harsh disposition might even argue that Elizabeth Mapp enjoyed the ultimate revenge for Captain Puffin's tipsy slight on that foggy night in the street in Tilling. Worrying about his friend Puffin's declining health and state of mind, Major Benjy had wanted to spend the evening with him. Miss Mapp strongly responded: You must have no jolly evening, Major Benjy. So bad for him. A little soup and a good night's rest. That's the best thing.

Had Major Benjy spent the evening with his friend it is questionable whether the drowning would have taken place. By her intervention, Miss Mapp had brought about the passing of her enemy: I dare say there may have been much that was good in Captain Puffin, that we knew nothing about. She also removed Major Benjy's best friend and would be able to spend much more time with him herself: Major Benjy will feel very lonely.

No charge was ever brought.

Cardinal Newman ~ eminent nineteenth century churchman allegedly materialized by Daisy Quantock's psychic medium Princess Popoffski. Not visible to the eye but audible to the ear, the late sainted Cardinal joined in the singing of Lead Kindly Light, which the secretary requested the attendees to sing, and blessed them at the conclusion.

Caroline Mapp, Aunt ~ Aunt of Elizabeth Mapp who bequeathed Mallards to her niece in her will. Probably less close to her beneficiary in life than the fortunate legatee claimed.

Cat, Elizabeth Mapp's ~ see Puss-Cat.

Cat, Lucia's, La gatta Lucianese ~ Lucia owned a Persian cat whilst in Riseholme. It's name seems not to have been divulged. It did once create a false alarm that the Guru was coming on the very morning that his flight from The Hurst was discovered, but it turned out that the feline was just having a quarrel with some dead laurel leaves.

Perhaps the crumbling laurel leaves symbolised the death of the Guru's former heroic reputation. Such symbolism would hardly have been characteristic of EFB, unless meant satirically, and, on balance, it is more likely that they were just a cat's plaything. Sometimes a leaf is just a leaf.

Causton Mr ~ Lucia's solicitor in Tilling - he gave Georgie news of his entitlement under Lucia's will when Lucia was thought drowned at sea with Miss Mapp - before their miraculous safe return

Cecco di Faraglione, Count ~ Italian count resident in Capri. Husband of Amelia and brother in law of Algernon Wyse.

Chapman ~ see Cadman.

Chatelaine of Mallards House ~ phrase often used in the Hampshire Argus to describe Lucia -to the irritation of its former occupier, Elizabeth Mapp.

Chela ~ a word originating from the Indian sub-continent meaning "disciple". Thus, the guru was a teacher and Daisy (and later half of Riseholme) was his "chela". Lucia divined this by looking through some books by Rudyard Kipling.

Chesterfield terms ~ invitations to breakfast (his term for luncheon) or dinner from Algernon Wyse were couched in politely expressed Chesterfield terms: Mr Wyse said he had met a mutual friend just now who informed him that you were in residence and encouraged him to hope that you might give him the pleasure of your company etc.

In Tilling this was considered an alluring diction, since it presented the image of Mr Wyse stepping briskly home again, quite heartened by this chance encounter and no longer the prey to melancholy at the thought that you might not give him the joy. In consequence his offers of hospitality were seldom, if ever, declined.

Chintz roses ~ thrifty and inventive Diva Plaistow had the idea of trimming the broad collar and cuffs of a jacket, skirt and belt with bunches of pink roses cut from old curtains. Before she could complete her work, Miss Mapp literally got wind if the idea when a couple of roses fluttered out of Diva's window into her hands and archly decided to pre-empt her. She did so by trimming her own corn coloured skirt with bright red poppies and appearing about Tilling to display her handiwork. Enraged, Miss Plaistow topped her rival by dressing her parlour maid Janet in her outfit trimmed with roses making it impossible for Miss Mapp to continue to model her new garment. After an interval the protagonists cooled down and withdrew both newly trimmed garments for their own personal wear and thus an Armistice was reached in the War of the Chintz Roses.

Christian Science ~ an enthusiasm of Daisy Quantock superseded by many others including yoga and spiritualism. Although it prompted in her the determination to deny the existence of pain, disease and death as regards herself, Mrs Quantock was always full of the gloomiest views as regards her many friends in Riseholme.

Cobblers at home, the ~ rather a feature amongst the ladies of Riseholme; it took place when a social evening was drawing to a close, before guests left to return home. Ladies would assemble in the cloakroom to remove their smart indoor evening foot-wear, such as satin pumps, which had been carried there in a neat paper parcels and replace them with stout waterproof walking-boots, better able to withstand any inclemency when re-crossing the Green.

Coles, Irene, Quaint ~ see Quaint Irene Coles

Colonel Boucher, Jacob ~ see Jacob Boucher, Colonel.

Colonel Cresswell ~ Adele Brixton's brother, tenant and subsequent purchaser of Georgie Pillson's house fronting the Green in Riseholme on his relocation to Tilling.

Colonel Shyton ~ see Shyton, Colonel.

Coo-ee ~ an Australian ejaculation, learned on his voyages, favoured by Captain Puffin

Cophetua, King ~ role played by Georgie in impromptu tableaux opposite Lucia's beggar maid, both requiring a certain suspension of disbelief on the part of the audience. The part was also essayed by Major Benjy in the tableaux presented at Lucia's hospital fete in the garden at Mallards during her initial summer letting.

Coplen ~ gardener of Elizabeth Mapp at Mallards who commented Coplen is not clever. Sometimes, Coglen.

Cortese, Antonio Signor ~ famous Neapolitan composer and conductor. His English wife was a cousin of Poppy, Duchess of Sheffield, who lived at Sheffield Castle close to Riseholme. Once described by Lucia as like a huge hairdresser. His touch on the piano: if you can imagine a wild bull hitting the keys, you will have some idea of it. Her view of him softened as his renown increased.

Wrote Lucretia specially for prima donna, Olga Bracely and subsequently Diane de Poictiers.

Cortese, Dorothea, Signora ~ English wife of Italian composer Cortese, who spoke not a word of Italian. A weekend guest at the home of Olga Bracely in Riseholme coinciding, in part, with Georgie's stay, but arriving after the departure of Lucia. A cousin of Poppy, Duchess of Sheffield.

Cortot ~ famous classical pianist and renowned interpreter of Beethoven. See Moonlight Sonata

Cosmic Consciousness ~ the Cosmic Consciousness of Tilling is mentioned surprisingly often. It appears to comprise a communal understanding arising from inductive reasoning or simple intuition.

It involved primarily the ladies of the town. Sometimes it strayed over to the gentlemen and just occurred, unbidden - as when on the morning of his aborted duel, from somewhere in the Cosmic Consciousness there came to Major Flint the thought that the first train to London started at half-past six in the morning.

On other occasions, the Cosmic Consciousness of Tilling applied reason to determine what might have happened as between the potential duellists amidst the sand dunes, whilst at a less analytical and cerebral extreme Evie Bartlett ran about like a mouse from group to group picking up crumbs of Cosmic Consciousness.

Cosy Corner ~ see Little Slam

Crimson-lake ~ after the debacle of publicly appearing in precisely the same design of tea gown favoured by Mrs Titus W. Trout in a fetching kingfisher blue as her neighbour Diva Plaistow, Miss Mapp sent the offending garment back to Miss Greele to be dyed. It returned a brilliant crimson-lake that seemed almost to cast a ruddy glow on the very ceiling. The orange chiffon with which the neck and sleeves were trimmed was dyed black following the exquisite taste of Mrs Trout and threw the splendour of the rest into more dazzling radiance. Unfortunately, Miss Plaistow had exactly the same idea and history repeated itself - again very publicly. The sequence of clashes ended when Diva had the gown dyed yet again -to jet black - leaving Miss Mapp as uncontested Lady of the Crimson-lake.

Crow, Ahab ~ former servant of Colonel Boucher in Riseholme. Married a Miss Jackdaw.

Culture ~ Riseholme, led by Lucia, rejected as worthless all artistic efforts later than the death of Sir Joshua Reynolds - and a great deal of what went before

Cupboard ~ Fear of an impending coal strike and possible shortages of basic foodstuffs prompted Miss Mapp to hoard a very substantial amount of provisions including tinned meats, dried fruit, tea, coffee, jam and flour. This somewhat unpatriotic activity required discretion and Miss Mapp hid her nefarious cache of comestibles in the best, biggest, most secret and discreet cupboard in Mallards . It lay embedded in the wall of the Garden Room concealed behind the shelves of a false book case with faux covers including twelve volumes of the Beauties of Nature, a shelf of Elegant Extracts, and volumes simply called Poems, Commentaries, Travels, Astronomy and Music.

Arriving early for an afternoon bridge party at Mallards, Diva Plaistow was left alone in the Garden Room and took her opportunity to undo the catch of the cupboard to reveal the damning profusion of the provisions inside. The overfilled stores started to tumble, but Diva managed to leave the cupboard door just ajar with temporary quiescence inside.

Only when all the guests had assembled and Mrs Poppit innocently touched the spine of Elegant Extracts did the avalanche of provisions commence inundating the party with a large quantity of good things.

With remarkable resilience and ingenuity a shocked Miss Mapp remarked "Oh my poor little Christmas presents for your needy parishioners, padre".

The guests were left to assimilate the amazing proposition that Miss Mapp had half-way through September loaded her cupboard with Christmas presents for the poor on a scale that beggared belief. The feat required thought: it required faith so childlike it verged upon the imbecile. Captain Puffin later put the general cynicism more bluntly: "Don't suppose the poor of the parish will see much of that corned beef."

D ~ is for Daisy and Diva

Daisy Quantock ~ married to Robert. Neighbour of Georgie Pillson and Lucia on the Green at Riseholme.

Strong minded, leading her to dismiss her gardener and prune her mulberry tree, nearly to death. Garrulous disposition, prompting the well-founded observation that Daisy criticised everybody everywhere

A truly Athenian character who was always inquiring into some new thing, Daisy was prone to enthusiasms ranging from Christian Science to uric acid to yoga to spiritualism and golf.

Daisy accidentally met the psychic medium Princess Popoffski in a vegetarian restaurant in London and attended seances held by her. She brought the Princess to Riseholme and held seances which became all the rage for a time.

After her departure Daisy found yards of fine muslin and false eyebrows which proved the seances had been faked. Daisy burned the evidence just as Robert later burned copies of Todd's News containing reports of the arrest and trial of the Princess for fraud. On this occasion Daisy succeeded in excluding Lucia from having access to and running her medium - as she had annexed Daisy's guru - and she skilfully avoided personal embarrassment upon he exposure of the Princess as a fraud.

Daisy led Riseholme in the field of golf until Lucia returned from London and resumed her normal position at the head off affairs.

Daisy and Robert were founding members of the Committee which established the Riseholme Museum. Daisy's overfilling of the oil heaters used to keep the museum dry in the winter brought about the fire which destroyed the building and its contents.

Extremely gullible, leading her to be taken advantage of by gurus who were in fact drunken curry cooks who disappeared with her spoons, forks and Georgian tankard and spiritualist mediums, who were far from Russian princesses.

Ambitious, daring even to contest local supremacy with Lucia including organisation of the Elizabethan May Day pageant on the Green.

Her organisational powers proved insufficient and it was necessary to hand over the helm to Lucia who turned proceedings into her own personal triumph. Poor Daisy never really rose to become a worthy opponent for Lucia.

After Lucia and Georgie left Riseholme, employed a French parlour maid who was an atheist.

Deal, Lady Florence ~ summer lessee of Suntrap in Tilling. Prominent figure in Girl Guide movement, mother's union and the Primrose League and a parliamentary candidate. Took Suntrap primarily for occupation by her former governess, Miss Mackintosh and nurse, Susie.

Mistakenly confused by Elizabeth Mapp with her cousin, a previous Lady Deal, Helena Herman who had been a male impersonator in the music hall and died without issue. Miss Mapp accordingly withdrew her visiting card and snubbed her, much to the amusement of Diva Plaistow, Evie Bartlett and other Tillingites. See Miss Mackintosh, Susan and Suntrap.

De Vere ~ parlour maid of Daisy Quantock in Riseholme. Favoured noticeably high heels.

Dickie ~ handsome young chauffeur of Georgie Pillson. If Dickie took the wrong turn his master called Naughty boy through the tube.

Remained in the employment of Colonel Cresswell, the tenant and eventual purchaser of Georgie's house on the Green in Riseholme when Georgie visited and then moved to Tilling.

Diva (Godiva) Plaistow ~ resident in Wasters in the High Street in Tilling, a smaller property than Mallards. Short and portly. Overly fond of nougat chocolates and (although the connection was never proved) prone to toothache. Member of Tilling society enjoying bridge parties, gossip and other social activities. Known to be a widow, although we have no further information regarding her late spouse or the events of her marriage.

Inclined to temporary enthusiasms such as buying a tiny number of Siriami shares.

Owned a canary afflicted with pip during the first visit to Tilling of Lucia and Georgie. In her anxiety Diva took the canary to Dr. Dobbie, but fortunately her avine companion recovered in any event. Also owned a lean Irish terrier, Paddy, sometimes suspected of mange, a mischievous dog responsible inter alia for stealing a rabbit from Miss Mapp's basket and eating Major Benjy's riding crop.

Talked in staccato bursts like a telegram particularly when excitedly conveying news or gossip and had a characteristic scudding, train-like gait.

Diva only kept two servants - though poverty was no crime. Later opened Ye Olde Tea House in the front parlour of Wasters which became a popular meeting place for tea and a rubber of bridge. With the help of her servant Janet, Diva served shilling and one and sixpenny teas featuring home-baked jam puffs and sardine tartlets.

Participated in the usual chain of summer lettings renting her property to Miss Mapp and in turn taking Quaint Irene Coles' Taormina.

Although never in direct competition with Miss Mapp or Lucia for the crown of Tilling society, Diva Plaistow participated fully in the daily exchange of news and always held a strong point of view - particularly regarding systems of bidding in bridge or when in dispute with Elizabeth Mapp, which occurred regularly.

Memorable sartorial squabbles occurred over her purchase of some rose madder worsted already ordered by Miss Mapp, the selection of the same colour and design of new tea gown as Miss Mapp and the decoration of day-wear with applique chintz roses in conflict with Miss Mapp's cornflowers.

Diva's faulty flue ~ one summer Diva Plaistow had not succeeded in letting her house, even at a modest rental, and remained in Wasters in the High Street. One evening she found horrid fumes of smoke laden with soot came into her bathroom. They had come down the chimney from the kitchen of the house next door. Inspection showed Diva was responsible for the leakage in the flue since, for reasons of economy, she had caused the overflow pipe from her cistern to be passed through it. Her neighbour kindly refrained from using his range until Diva had the damaged flue repaired, but Diva could not bring herself to spend the frightful sum of nine pounds upon the necessary work, which she calculated equated to savings of five shillings a week for the best part of a year.

Quaint Irene now found a tenant for her own house and took that of Diva's neighbour who explained to her that, until Mrs Plaistow repaired the faulty flue, Irene could not use the kitchen range and that repeated reminders over a fortnight had produced no effect.

Needing no further prompting, Irene typically seized the initiative and she and her giant maid Lucy lit a giant fire in the range and awaited the effect. Acrid smoke poured through the leak prompting Diva to jump out of her bath and take refuge with her servant and dog Paddy in the street.

Irene commented "So I've smoked you out. Serve you right." She went on to threaten to keep piling on damp wood until the repairs were completed. Diva was upset that her bathroom was kippered and would need to be redecorated, but promised to have the work done the next day. Fortunately, despite her kippered wallpaper, Diva succeeded in letting her house at twice the rental she paid for a dilapidated hovel close beside the railway line.

Dobbie, Dr. ~ the doctor in Tilling, resided in Malleson Street

Dominic, Mrs. ~ Major Flint's housekeeper. Miss Mapp wondered if Dominic drank.

Doubleday, Mr ~ the chemist in Riseholme. According to Mrs Weston, he upset Miss Piggy Antrobus by requiring her to explain and sign-for a drop of laudanum intended to relieve her mother's toothache. In typical fashion Mrs Weston commented "I should have said 'Oh, Mr Doubleday, I want to make laudanum tartlets; we are all so fond of laudanum tartlets'. Something sharp and sarcastic like that, to show him his place".

The chemist in Tilling, by the way, was similarly firm when not prepared to undertake to deliver small packages, leaving Miss Mapp to decline the purchase of a small packet of precipitated chalk.

Drake ~ part in the Riseholme Elizabethan May Day pageant elegantly played by Georgie Pillson

Drake's wife ~ minor part in the Riseholme Elizabethan May Day pageant offered by Daisy Quantock to Lucia and declined. Ultimately played by Daisy Quantock when Lucia was persuaded to step in as Director, Producer and leading actress as Elizabeth I

Duelling ~ By a mixture of oblique references and well-timed silences, Major Flint cultivated the notion amongst his circle in Tilling of a dashing past as a young officer and expertise as an experienced duellist.

After one particularly bibulous evening with his friend Captain Puffin, whilst still inebriated the Major issued a written challenge to a duel. On sobering up next morning, both protagonists took fright and to avoid the conflict bolted to the railway station to catch the earliest train to London.

On meeting there they made-up, returned home and went for their usual morning's golf. By this time the note had been found and alarm spread over Tilling. Ultimately the Padre seized the initiative and extravagantly took a taxi to the links to find them and prevent the mortal combat. He eventually located them putting on the eighteenth green and all was well.

Naturally much conjecture ensued over the cause of the dispute and Miss Mapp encouraged the inaccurate conjecture that it stemmed from rivalry for her favours. The reputation of those concerned rose following the incident only to plummet once the truth regarding flight to and reconciliation at the railway station emerged. It was Miss Mapp who managed to analyse the facts and work out a solution founded as solidly as a Euclidean proposition: her answer was that both duellists had in fact run away. In a remarkably short space of time the two duellists became universally known in Tilling as the cowards

Duets ~ one of Lucia and Georgie's greatest pleasures together were duets upon the pianoforte. They particularly enjoyed heavenly Mozart and the dainty Scarlatti, but most of all the immortal Beethoven. Lucia always took the treble part because it had more tune in it - although she pretended she had not Georgie's firm touch, which made the bass effective. Each would secretly practice their part in advance and pretend to be sight-reading it for the first time when performing together. This was often done with a somewhat girlish glee and exclamations combined with little screams - usually from Georgie - "Cattivo Mozart, to write anything too dwefful diffy!"

E ~ is for Emmeline and Elizabeth

Easy French ~ following her return from honeymoon in Monte Carlo Elizabeth Mapp-Flint littered her conversation with words and phrases of beginner's French, just as Lucia and Georgie favoured use of easy Italian.

It is unclear whether this habit was entirely natural, an affectation or satirical. Thus Elizabeth called some friends "Cherie", inquired N'est ce pas?" and arranged things "Comme il faut". "Who's deal?" became "Qui donne?" and her "mari" Benjy boy was also "Mon vieux". Mrs Mapp-Flint enjoyed this gambit enormously and found it "tres amusant".

Most of Tilling were mildly irritiated by this practice, but remained silent until Diva Plaistow seized her moment and asked in her usual rapid-fire, staccato way that Elizabeth should drop that silly habit of putting easy French phrases into her conversation: "so confusing. Besides everyone sees you're only copying Lucia. So ridiculous. All put on." Elizabeth agreed that she would try to break herself: "I'm sure I don't want to confuse anybody" to which Diva replied ruthlessly "Tres agreable. Can't you hear how silly that sounds? Been on my mind a long time to tell you that." see Language.

Easy Italian ~ in midland Riseholme next to il piccolo Avono Lucia, Pepino and Georgie peppered their conversation with snippets of easy conversational Italian. This practice later continued in seaside Tilling. Thus: Lucia mia. Carissima! Ben arrivata! Si mio, Caro. Sta bene? Molto bene! Alternatively: Cattivo ragazzo, Georgino mio! Que bella barba. Un po di musica? Buon riposo!

This habit was something of an affectation and intended to give the impression of fluency in la bella lingua. More than once, Lucia and Georgie had to resort to subterfuges, such as feigned illness or trips away, to prevent disclosure of their liguistic incompetence. On some occasions it was necessary to pretend that fluent Italian was unintelligible claiming it was broad Neapolitan or some other dialect. These pretences worked surprisingly well, but many close amici, such as Elizabeth Mapp, persisted in suspecting the truth. see Language.

Egalo-megalo-mayoralo-mania ~ term coined by Georgie whilst in the bath to describe the self-important delusions of grandeur experienced by Lucia in contemplation of her impending installation as Mayor of Tilling.

Eggs a la Capri ~ a favourite dish, often served to guests by Algernon and Susan Wyse originating in the kitchens of sister Contessa Amelia di Fariglione in Capri.

Elections ~ Elizabeth Mapp-Flint and Lucia both stood for election to the Town Council of Tilling. At opposite ends of the spectrum, Lucia advocated increased spending on public works and social housing whilst Mrs Mapp-Flint proposed parsimony and reduced rates.

An energetic campaign featured frenetic canvassing and climaxed with a loud demonstration by Quaint Irene Coles leading a band of urchins and her extremely tall maid Lucy bearing banners praising Lucia as the friend of the poor and opposing Mrs Mapp-Flint.

On this occasion, Lucia and Mrs Mapp-Flint came joint bottom of the poll.

Following many donations benefiting the locality, Lucia was co-opted to fill a vacancy as councillor and subsequently elected to office. Thereafter, as her largess continued, Lucia was appointed Mayor of Tilling.

Mrs Mapp-Flint was gracious enough to accept Lucia's shrewd offer to become her Mayoress and was subsequently elected to the Council, defeating Georgie Pillson in a not-very-close contest

Eleven twenty ~ the 11.20a.m. steam tram from Tilling to the golf links by the coast was habitually taken by Major Flint and Captain Puffin until the sad demise of the latter following a stroke and drowning in a bowl of oxtail soup.

Elizabeth Luton ~ servant of Miss Jane Weston who became Mrs Jane Boucher. Subsequently married Colonel Boucher's servant Atkinson. Cousin of Henry Luton.

Elizabeth Mapp ~ latterly Elizabeth Mapp-Flint. Malignantly curious and cancerously suspicious of all her servants, tradesmen and indeed friends.

Tall and portly with plump hands, a broad benignant face and dimpled well-nourished cheeks, rather bulgy eyes, long white teeth and a certain tightness in the corners of her expansive mouth. Markedly drew back her lips when speaking and wore a perpetual smile when there was the least chance of being under observation.

Miss Mapp inherited Mallards, a delightful Queen Anne House in the centre of Tilling, from her late Aunt Caroline.

She ruled her circle from the window seat in her garden room overlooking the town.

Miss Mapp was to be reckoned with in many ways: a large woman, no longer in the very first flush with a strong, not to say dominant, personality and will. This strength of character combined with considerable guile to render her formidable.

Miss Mapp ran an efficient household and kept a sharp and ever mistrustful eye on her staff. She applied a similar jaundiced view in dealings with tradesmen such as shopkeepers and - in her mind - estate agents.

Her friends found Miss Mapp at the head of Tilling society dominating the lunches, dinners and bridge parties they enjoyed.

Circumstances began to change during the summer's round of subletting when residents let their properties at a premium rent in high season and moved to smaller and cheaper accommodation to profit fully from the higher rent.

One fateful year, Miss Mapp let Mallards via her own advertisement in the Times (thus cleverly avoiding the fees of her letting agents Messrs Woolgar & Pipstow) to Mrs Emmeline Lucas of Riseholme in the Midlands.

Miss Mapp found Lucia challenging in so many ways - her fashion sense, artistic sensibilities, style and commanding ways grated.

Although at first Miss Mapp harboured plans to run Lucia and bend her to her will, this proved unrealistic. Lucia soon showed her mettle and was not prepared to be brow-beaten over any number of issues from the allocation of the gardener's duties to the holding of the hospital fete in the garden at Mallards to disclosing her secret recipe for Lobster a la Riseholme.

Miss Mapp's insatiable desire for this recipe led her to plot steal it from the kitchen at Grebe whilst all the servants were out attending a whist drive and under the pretext of calling to thank Lucia for her Christmas gift of pate and a request to join her callisthenics class. Whilst doing so, she was trapped in the kitchen at Grebe by a sudden flood which swept her out to sea with Lucia on an upturned kitchen table.

Several months on an Italian fishing trawler on the Gallagher Bank confirmed her views upon Lucia and, following their safe return, mortal combat ensued.

Miss Mapp often disagreed with friends over a variety of issues from bridge scores with The Padre to clashing tea gowns with Diva Plaistow. She was usually fearless and combative in her dealings - save with Lucia's admirer, Quaint Irene Coles whose outspoken remarks and perceptive mimicry Miss Mapp simply could not rebut.

After a lengthy friendship, Miss Mapp succeeded in procuring an offer of marriage from Major Benjamin Flint - her Benjy Boy and spent much of married bliss trying to change Benjy's bachelor ways -in particular his excessive fondness for alcohol. She failed.

After her marriage she regained the spotlight by feigning an impending happy event which Lucia immortalised with the term plucked from the Greek, a wind egg.

A certain willfulness speculating in Siriami shares - and a stubborn desire to better Lucia - put the Mapp-Flints in somewhat reduced circumstances and obliged them to accept Lucia's offer to exchange Mallards for Grebe and a cash sum. Despite the fairness of Lucia's offer, Elizabeth never really forgave her for this and continued to flag up Lucia's pretensions and vanities as part of an ultimately futile quest for dominance.

Elizabeth and Lucia managed to come joint bottom of the poll when standing unsuccessfully for election to Tilling Council. When, following many large charitable donations in the locality, Lucia became a councillor and subsequently Mayor, Lucia shrewdly made Elizabeth her Mayoress and could not prevent her ultimately winning a seat on the council -by defeating Georgie Pillson in the poll.

Elizabeth Mapp-Flint was feisty and a doughty fighter but lacked the control and judgment to outshine or defeat Lucia in the longer term. Her greatest desire was again to hold sway over her circle in Tilling and her greatest tragedy that Lucia was fundamentally better suited than she to that dominant role.

Embroidery ~ detailed work in petit point was a favourite hobby of Georgie Pillson. His careful productions included chair-covers and his wife Lucia's mayoral gloves

Emmeline Lucas (later Pillson, nee Smythe) ~ married to wealthy retired barrister Philip Lucas, whom she called "Pepino". Known by her wide circle of intimates in the Italian manner as la Lucia, the wife of Lucas.

On settling in Elizabethan Riseholme in Worcestershire, the Lucas's knocked together three cottages to create the Hurst. Charmingly, if not authentically, Elizabethan, its rooms were named after Shakespeare's plays. It boasted a Shakespearean garden including Perdita's border.

The Arts featured greatly in Lucia's life. She played piano, especially Mozart and Beethoven, whose portrait hung above her Steinway grand.

She enjoyed literature although the depth of her knowledge did not match always its dazzling width.

Lucia's companion in her artistic interests was her friend and neighbour Georgie Pillson with whom she shared piano duets -taking the more interesting treble part - and beginner's Italian, baby talk, watercolours, bridge and gossip.

Lucia bestrode social life in Riseholme as her right, although she was occasionally temporarily discomforted by newcomers like the prima donna Olga Bracely and seekers-after her crown such as Daisy Quantock.

One of Lucia's greatnesses lay in the fact that when she found anyone out in some act of atrocious meanness, she never indulged in any idle threats of revenge: it was sufficient that she knew and would take suitable steps on the earliest occasion.

Lucia was ruthless in seizing the initiative from rebels such as Daisy and blatantly took possession of the guru to steal the limelight in that season's stunt of yoga. Lucia liked to be at the head of affairs and had soon donned her Teacher's Robe to give instruction to the less-advanced students.

Lucia's ruthless self-promotion was seen at its most blatant in her season in London where her social climbing drew gasps from onlookers and led to the formation of a group of Luciaphils who noted her every manoeuvre, gaffe and snub with awe.

On the sad passing of Pepino, Lucia withdrew - somewhat stylishly - for a time, but on returning to the fray recovered her former energy as when she selflessly took over production and direction of the May Day Pageant in the Green in Riseholme from the hapless Daisy Quantock and scored a personal triumph in the part of Elizabeth 1.

Lucia was typically decisive and clear-minded in moving to Tilling and was soon at the head of affairs there.

She first lived in Grebe outside the town and her adventures included being swept out to sea on an upturned kitchen table with Elizabeth Mapp and spending several months on an Italian fishing trawler on the Gallagher Banks.

Lucia came to purchase Mallards from Miss Mapp - who had now become Mrs Mapp-Flint and spent some time emulating her heroine Dame Catherine Winterglass in building up a further fortune of eighteen thousand pounds on the Stock Exchange.

Some of this wealth was spent on charitable works in Tilling which led to her securing a place upon the Town Council and ultimately becoming Mayor. With typical magnanimity combined with shrewdness, Lucia invited Mrs Mapp-Flint to become her Mayoress.

Georgie Pillson, her dear friend, had accompanied Lucia to Tilling and, in time becoming ever closer. Once it was agreed that no form of intimacy need ever take place, the two married and so Lucia became Mrs Pillson.

Life in Tilling was a round of lunches and dinners, bridge parties, meeting in the High Stret during marketing and exchanging gossip. Her close circle of friends included Diva Plaistow, Quaint Irene Coles who was entirely devoted to Lucia, Algernon and Susan Wyse, Vicar Kenneth and Evie Bartlett and Elizabeth and Benjamin Mapp-Flint.

Elizabeth Mapp was immensely resentful, if not jealous, of Lucia's usurpation of her crown in Tilling and acquisition of Mallards, by far its finest home.

Lucia consciously worked for her social dominance and her vanities and pretensions often tried the patience of her friends - whether it be pretending to be fluent in Italian, declining t0 play bridge for money whilst Mayor or obliging them to sit through endless evenings of un po di mu, inevitably climaxing with Lucia's rendition of the slow movement from the Moonlight Sonata.

Lucia was adept at mastering and promoting activities, such as golf, callisthenics, yoga and bicycling. Georgie considered that her real metier was to render the trivialities of life intense for others (but how her schemes for the good of Tilling bored him!)

There was however a greatness in Lucia's self-promotion and an inevitability that she would ultimately prevail. The preceding battle with Elizabeth Mapp made life more interesting for everyone.

Ennismore Gardens ~ residential thoroughfare in London, which could be reached by a footpath leading from the cul de sac, Brompton Square

Equality, Fraternity, Nosality ~ phrase devised by Quaint Irene Coles and employed in conversation with Elizabeth Mapp and Diva Plaistow, when it was announced that Mallards had been let to Lucia, initially for the months of August and September.

Irene had agreed to rent her house Taormina to Diva for five guineas a week and Diva to rent Wasters to Elizabeth for eight guineas upon the assumption that Elizabeth was letting Mallards for twelve guineas. Irene suspected, quite rightly, that, with typical sharpness, Elizabeth Mapp had obtained better terms and argued that there ought to be a sliding scale, so that if Elizabeth had made Lucia pay through the nose she and Diva should do the same .

Miss Mapp cannily distracted Irene by serving her a cocktail and did not disclose fact that she had succeeded in extracting from Lucia fifteen guineas a week to include the use of her Blumenfelt piano, but excluding the wages of her gardener or garden produce - flowers for the house by all means, but not fruit or vegetables. See Sub-letting.

Evening Gazette ~ London newspaper featuring society news column by Hermione in which Lucia's outings in society were covered virtually daily. See Hermione and Stephen Merriall.

Evie Bartlett ~ mouse-like wife of Kenneth Bartlett, vicar of Tilling. Evie was very insignificant, even when she squeaked her loudest: she had been wilted by non-recognition.

F ~ is for Flooding

Faraglione ~ the family name of the Count and Contessa di Fariglione whose home lay on the pretty and historic isle of Capri. Relatives of the Wyses of Whitchurch and notably Algernon and Susan Wyse, MBE of Tilling

Faradiddleony ~ the name mockingly ascribed to the soi-disant aristocratic Italian relations of Algernon and Susan Wyse in some sections of Tilling society inclined towards irony, notably Elizabeth Mapp-Flint and Diva Plaistow

Fergus, Mr ~ dentist in Tilling

Fiftieth birthday ~ Lucia passed her fiftieth birthday having relocated to Tilling. After surviving being washed out to sea on an upturned kitchen table with Elizabeth Mapp, Lucia was now happily settled at Grebe just outside the town. She had marked her half-century by successfully immersing herself in share dealing, following the example of her role model and heroine, the late Dame Catherine Winterglass. The Jubilee was celebrated with Georgie and her new friends from Tilling and spiritedly marked with a cake with fifty-one candles - so as to prepare her for her next birthday.

Figgis ~ somewhat brusque yet lugubrious and monosyllabic butler of Algernon and Susan Wyse. Originally Mr Wyse's valet. Accidentally retained Diva Plaistow's dinner invitation in his overcoat pocket, but avoided dismissal.

Fire pot ~ a saucepan of tar bubbling over a pot of red hot coals used to doctor telegraph posts. Whilst Lucia was in the early stage of learning to ride a bicycle and practising assiduously on a quiet lane outside Tilling, she went out of control and rode straight into the fire pot, upsetting the tar and scattering the coals. Lucia experienced this unfortunate compulsion to collide with the fire pot more than once and on each occasion apologised and tipped the operator half a crown. On the second collision the operator reminded Lucia that it was she and her pals cocked up on the Bench who fined me five bob last month, for not being half as unsteady as you.

Five o'clock Chit Chat ~ society gossip column over the renowned signature of Hermione which often detailed many of Lucia's activities in London. See Hermione.

Flint ~ Major Benjamin, Benjy ~ see Benjamin Flint

Flooding ~ a regular phenomenon on the low-lying land between the town of Tilling and the sea. On one occasion Lucia and Mrs Mapp-Flint were swept out to sea on a stout kitchen table when the embanked sea defences were breached near to Grebe, but lived to tell the tale - often and at length.

On another, bungalows out beyond the town temporarily occupied in high season by the Mapp-Flints and vicar Kenneth and Evie Bartlett were flooded. Lucia found lodgings for her displaced neighbours at Mallards House until the waters had receded. The Mapp-Flints were particularly tarsome during their stay and were very reluctant to confine themselves to the sitting room allocated to them by Lucia; they much preferred the charming garden room - but then who wouldn't?

"Flotsam" and "Jetsam" ~ two thin volumes of poems by Philip Lucas printed in blunt hand- set type on thick yellowish paper by "Ye Signe of Ye Daffodile" on the village green in Riseholme. The titles were printed on the outside cover in black-letter type and the covers were further adorned with a sort of embossed seal and with antique-looking tapes, so that you could tie it up with two bows when you had finished with Mr Lucas's "Flotsam" for the time being and turned to "Jetsam."In form the odes in question were cast in the loose rhythm of Walt Whitman, but their smooth suavity bore no resemblance whatever to the production of he whom Benson, with tongue firmly in cheek or with uncharacteristic lack of charity, refers to as "that barbaric bard".

Foljambe, Doris (Miss) ~ very pretty parlour maid who also valeted for Georgie Pillson. A peerless servant upon whom he relied completely to run his household - apart from dusting his precious bibelots. Her life's work was Foljambizing to Georgie.

By the time of Georgie's first visit to Tilling the estimable Foljambe had been in his service for fifteen years.

Married Cadman, Lucia's chauffeur, after Georgie and Lucia had moved to Tilling, but continued to serve Georgie and, like a famous actress, retained her maiden name. The disposition of Foljambe's time between days with Georgie and nights with Cadman worked to admiration - practically assisted by the provision of a char lady to relieve Foljambe's own domestic burdens.

Georgie was dependent upon Foljambe and signalled the most urgent need for her services by ringing his bell three times in succession. This was the signal to Foljambe that even if she was in her bath she must come at once.

The three occasions on which this took place were the dramatic discovery of the theft of his beloved bibelots by the curry cook, once when a fish bone stuck in his throat and once again when a note had announced to him that Piggy was going to call and hoped to find him alone.

Folkstone ~ nearby resort visited by Georgie Pillson during the visit to Tilling of Amelia di Faraglione -to avoid her becoming aware of the lack of fluency of Lucia and Georgie's Italian.

Food ~ as one would expect in the depiction of middle class society centred upon life in the home and those of one's friends at luncheons, bridge teas and dinner parties, food plays a prominent part in the Mapp & Lucia canon.

Pride of place must of course go to the legendary Lobster a la Riseholme which naturally has its own entry in this Glossary, as do Boon's delicious and intoxicating redcurrant fool and Diva Plaistow's savoury sardine tartlets.

Elsewhere, dishes consumed reflect the time and social echelon of the characters concerned. At luncheon at the Hurst in Riseholme, Lucia and Pepino are served macaroni au gratin.

The Wyses of Tilling proclaimed their aristocratic Italian connections with their signature dish eggs a la Capri, alluding to its origins in the kitchens of their brother-in- law Cecco, Cont di Faraglione on that sunlit and historic Mediterranean isle. Their table at Starling Cottage often groaned with other Faraglione delicacies, such as honey and figs.

Before the advent of the guru the Quantock's incompetent cook presents sad grey mutton and cod fish that damage Robert's digestion and temper. Both improve markedly when the guru dons his curry cook hat and quickly whips up a curry of mutton and rice and then a fish curry employing a pinch of pepper, a tomato, a little mutton fat, a sardine, a bit of cheese, a scraping of gentleman's relish and a little nutmeg. This prompted Robert to suggest unsuccessfully that the guru be offered the job of cook at forty pounds a year and beer money.

Elsewhere in Tilling strawberries were served at tea when they were cheap and in season and staples ranged from Major Benjy's porridge to Diva Plaistows's nougat chocolates. Dressed crab was a particular favourite of the Padre and visiting aristocrat, Poppy Duchess of Sheffield.

Elizabeth Mapp enjoyed pate de foie gras, as evidenced by Lucia's generous Christmas gift.

Food forms the backdrop for events in Tilling as much as bridge and seagulls

Fool ~ see Redcurrant Fool

G ~ is for Grebe

Gallagher Banks ~ fishing grounds where the Italian trawler which picked up Lucia and Miss Mapp spent several months after they had been whisked out to sea on the kitchen table when a flood inundated Grebe.

Garden Room ~ the entrancing sunny garden room of Mallards was the biggest and best room in Mallards. It was built a few yards away from the house itself, and commanded from its bow window a unique unrestricted view down Porpoise Street to the High Street in Tilling and in the other direction past Mallards Cottage to the church. A favourite eyrie from which Elizabeth Mapp and latterly Lucia might comfortably view the goings-on about the town.

After her marriage to Major Benjy, Elizabeth had generously surrendered the garden room to him and, instead of her watercolours, the walls were hung with heads of deer and antelopes, the spoil of Benjy's sporting expeditions in India and a trophy consisting of spears and arrows and rhinoceros-hide whips and an apron made of shells, and on the floor were his moth eaten tiger skins. A stern business table stood in the window, a leather chair like a hip bath in her cosy corner, a gun stand with golf clubs against the wall and, instead of dripping with the feminine knick-knacks of the days of Elizabeth's virginity,the room now reeked of masculinity and stale cigar smoke

Gashly, Mrs ~ Captain Puffin's cook.

Garroby Ashton, MP ~ MP for Riseholme. Husband of Elsie

Garroby Ashton, Elsie / Millicent or Millie ~ wife of the MP for Riseholme. A member of Lucia's social circle in London and avid Luciaphil

Gelasius ~ Lucia cleverly bought and displayed beside a false Chippendale mirror in her drawing room a coloured print of Vandyk's portrait of Gelasius to help persuade Georgie to retain the beard he had grown during a painful attack of shingles. The painting showed Gelasius with a most distinguished face: high eye-browed with a luxuriant crop of auburn hair and a small pointed beard. Lucia's ruse worked and Georgie's small, neatly trimmed and pointed goatee, dyed to match his hair (and toupet), soon masked his receding first and plump second chin as, in small part, an homage to Gelasius - and in large part an homage to Lucia.

George Pillson, Georgie ~ brother of Hermione and Ursula and lately married to Lucia or Emmeline Lucas, widow of Phillip Lucas.

Residents of Riseholme and later of Tilling always thought of George Pillson as Georgie. His main role in life was as cavaliere servente, gentleman-in-waiting or ADC to Lucia. He was her devoted subordinate and courtier with the complete trust and approval of Lucia's first husband Philip or Pepino.

Georgie was not an obtrusively masculine sort of person. Such masculinity as he possessed was boyish rather than adult and the most important ingredients of his nature were feminine. He was surprisingly tall. His face was pink and round, with blue eyes, a short nose and very red lips. He made up for an absence of eyebrows by a firm little brown moustache clipped very short and brushed upwards at its extremities

Georgie took a special interest in his appearance and had a fondness for capes, Oxford bags, spats and hats. He was fastidious in the choice of fashionable clothing (daring to team a mustard coloured cape with a blue tam o' shanter) and in the care and dressing of his auburn toupet. After a painful attack of shingles, which rendered him house-bound for some time, Georgie grew a beard which he was persuaded to retain, trimmed into a stylishly neat Vandyck goatee.

The only disadvantage of Georgie's beard appeared to be that it rendered him irresistible to the barbophilic Poppy, Duchess of Sheffield whom he encountered in Olga Bracely's box at the opera in London, in Tilling and whilst a guest at Olga's house party at Le Touquet. Georgie found her advances tarsome but retained his virtue, if not his dignity.

In his blameless 45 years, Georgie had never flirted with anyone. His many interests were artistic and mainly shared with Lucia. He was the more talented pianist of the two and generously allowed Lucia the more interesting and less diffy treble part in their frequent piano duets - which each practised secretly in advance but normally claimed to be sight-reading for the first time.

He and Lucia indulged in baby talk and peppered their conversation with easy phrases in Italian. Neither discouraged the entirely incorrect assumption that they were fluent in la bella lingua.

He was a keen bridge player, a capable needle-person and produced creditably tidy watercolours, mainly landscapes.

Normally mild of manner, when irritated he might go so far as to exclaim How tarsome! His mother had been a Bartlett - and second cousin to her late husband - which meant Lady Ambermere was well disposed towards him.

He relied entirely upon his peerless housemaid Foljambe and enjoyed a domestic life which gave time for various hobbies including caring personally for his treasured bibelots and passing enthusiasms, such as yoga, planchette and cycling.

He appeared as Drake in the Riseholme May Day Pageant directed by Lucia and in a number of roles in various impromptu tableaux also devised by Lucia.

In addition to Lucia, Georgie was devoted to prima donna Olga Bracely with whom he enjoyed an intimate platonic friendship, again with the entire approval of her husband Mr Shuttleworth.

Georgie was entrusted with a good deal of the work entailed in decorating and furnishing Old Place on its secret acquisition by Olga Bracely and was uncharacteristically and painfully discreet in carrying out his duties on her behalf - which serves as a measure of his devotion.

After the death of Lucia's husband Pepino, Georgie accompanied Lucia to Tilling where he joined in the local society he enjoyed so much and rented and subsequently purchased Mallards Cottage. He became very much the jeune premier in social circles at Tilling as he had been in Riseholme, smart , beautifully dressed and going to more tea parties than anybody else.

Georgie unselfishly assumed responsibility for Lucia's household and servants during the lengthy period after she had been washed out to sea with Miss Mapp and erected a touching, if presumptuous, cenotaph in their memory in the church yard at Tilling.

After a very decent interval, he and Lucia grew even closer and decided to marry on the strict understanding that no intimacy need ever evolve.

Foljambe married Lucia's chauffeur Cadman and a satisfactory division of responsibilities was cordially agreed between Foljambe and Lucia's servant Grosvenor; in this way, ongoing domestic harmony was guaranteed at Mallards House.

Georgie undertook his duties as the consort of Lucia as mayor of Tilling well but was unsuccessful when standing against Mrs Elizabeth Mapp-Flint for election to the town council. Typically, he found the loss tarsome, but bore it magnanimously .

On the return of Olga Bracely from her world tour and following the loss of her husband, her friendship with Georgie flourished. He thrilled to see her perform Lucretia again and begin work on Diane de Poictiers and enjoyed her company in Riseholme, Tilling and Le Touquet. Whilst he continued to adore Olga and despite his occasional irritations with Lucia's mounting pretensions as Mayor of Tilling, he remained Lucia's loyal partner .

Georgie and Per ~ cheerful brothers who were respectively the foreman of the gas works and town surveyor, known to Lucia following investigations into the origin of the smell in the garden room at Mallards House.

They invited Lucia to visit Tilling cricket club and following her donations to fund the levelling and relaying of the pitch promoted her election as President of both Tilling's cricket and football clubs.

Giardino segreto, secret garden ~ the secret garden at Mallards was bounded by hedging and accessed by an archway. It was only overlooked from the very top of the tower of the nearby Norman church. It boasted a little paved walk round it, flower beds, a pocket handkerchief of a lawn and, in the middle, a pillar with a bust of good Queen Anne, picked up by Miss Mapp in a shop in Tilling for a song.

Girlie ~ name which Major Benjy was wont to call his new bride, Elizabeth, even in company. See Liz.

Golden Hind ~ central location placed in part upon the pond on the village Green in Riseholme for the knighting of Sir Francis Drake in the May Day Elizabethan Pageant. Unfortunately the ship caught fire during the spit roasting of a sheep on deck and collapsed into the pond in the ensuing conflagration

Golf ~ in Riseholme golf was introduced by Daisy Quantock who began with clock golf and putting and progressed to golf over at least nine holes. As so often happened her lead was followed by her neighbours including the vicar and his wife, the curate, Colonel Boucher, Georgie, Mrs Antrobus (who discarded her ear trumpet for these athletics and could never hear you call "Fore") and Piggy and Goosie. Often Mrs Boucher was wheeled down in her bath chair and applauded the beautiful puts made on the last green.

Daisy started instruction classes on golf in her garden open to all, including Lucia. Lucia surreptitiously took further private golf lessons and arranged to be co-opted with Georgie onto the Committee of the local golf club, with herself as President. She was soon a much better player than Daisy whose short reign as Queen of Golf came to an end: the natural order of things was thus restored. In her heart Lucia utterly despised golf, but golf had been the stunt she could use to restore her hold on Riseholme -and so it proved.

In Tilling, golf was mainly the preserve of the menfolk - apart from Georgie. Major Flint played on most mornings with his friend Captain Puffin, usually catching the steam tram to the links. Their rounds were always for a wager and invariably argumentative; they were sadly missed by Major Flint following the tragic drowning of his old friend in a bowl of oxtail soup.

Thereafter, Major Flint played regularly with the Padre and even attempted to teach his soon-to-be-wife, Elizabeth Mapp, though her grasp of the game was as tenuous as her grip upon what she persisted in calling the golf sticks.

Gramophone ~ all Riseholme knew Lucia's frequently voiced opinion about gramophones: to the lover of Beethoven they were like indecent or profane language loudly used in a public place. Before the advent of Olga Bracely, so far as was known, only one such hellish instrument had ever come to Riseholme, introduced by a misguided Robert Quantock. Lucia's look of agony when he turned it on ensured that he had to stop it immediately. Failing to notice Lucia's protracted wincing, Olga Bracely blithely made her large gramophone central to her popular evening romps at Old Place and made fullest and loudest use if it for dancing and energetic games, such as musical chairs.

Greatorex, Eric ~ famous pianist, renowned interpreter of the works of Stravinsky

Grebe ~ attractive white house with character and dignity skirting the low-lying marsh land between Tilling and the sea. It had a nice garden sheltered from the north wind by the cliff behind which had once been the coast-line before the marshes were drained and reclaimed. Although down on the level it boasted a divine, broad and tranquil view.

Quaint Irene's temporary summer-let cottage adjoined its garden. Irene offered to paint and decorate Grebe with her own hands and recommended as a scheme for the music room a black ceiling and four walls of different colours, vermilion, emerald green, ultramarine and yellow. She proposed the use of costly lapis lazuli for the ultramarine wall, but assured Lucia that the result would be unique and marvellously stimulating to the eye, especially if she would add a magenta carpet and nickel-plated fireplace. This scheme and other proposals, including egg- shaped and triangular windows and a front door that, instead of opening sideways, let down like a portcullis, were tactfully rejected by Lucia.

It was close to a road which did not lead anywhere in particular, but was not overlooked, for a thick hedge of hornbeam made a fine screen.

Its rooms were of good dimension with a hall and dining room on the ground floor, a broad staircase leading up to the first floor where there were two or three bedrooms and a long sitting room with four windows looking across the road to the meadows and the high bank bounding the river. Beyond lay the great empty levels of the marsh with the hill of Tilling rising out of it half a mile away to the west.

The kitchen and offices were in a wing by themselves. Here again there was character for the kitchen had been a coach house and still retained big double doors. It fronted a cinder path and beds of vegetables.

Originally owned and occupied by Lucia on moving to the area and subsequently by Major Benjamin and Mrs Mapp Flint, formerly of Mallards, in Tilling.

Grebe was prone to flooding on failure of the high sea defence banks immediately opposite and did so on more than one occasion. See Widow of a Baronet.

Greele, Miss ~ dressmaker in the High Street in Tilling, of whom Miss Mapp was a customer

Guardian Angel ~ Miss Mapp kept a very close eye on the nocturnal activities of her near neighbours Major Benjy and Captain Puffin. Their lights burning late into the night were eventually discovered not to signify long scholarly poring over old diaries or maps of Roman roads but the consumption of considerable volumes of whisky by the fireside. After several glasses her neighbours were wont to refer not to their Guardian Angel but Old Mappy

Guru ~ Indian teacher of yoga who came to stay with Daisy Quantock in Riseholme and latterly with Lucia at the Hurst who ran him as her August stunt.

The guru sported a tropical complexion, black beard, saffron-yellow robe, violently green girdle, chocolate-coloured stockings, short pink socks and red slippers. He ran classes which popularised yoga in Riseholme.

The guru declined to give his name, indicating that his religion forbade this. He was initially understood to be a Brahmin of the highest caste and extraordinary sanctity from Benares but was subsequently found to be a hard-drinking curry cook and burglar. He disappeared from Riseholme after being recognised by Hermy and Ursy Pillson as the brilliant but bibulous cook from the Calcutta Restaurant in Bedford Street where they often lunched. He left behind many empty brandy bottles and having stolen valuable items from the homes of Lucia, Georgie Pillson and Daisy Quantock. To save face over their gullibility, no mention was subsequently made of the guru's failings

Grosvenor ~ Lucia's dependable servant in Riseholme and Tilling

H ~ is for The Hurst

Hairdressers ~ see Ladies' Hairdressers and Maquillage

Hastings Chronicle ~ local newspaper often featuring reports concerning the charitable deeds and social and cultural pre-eminence of Lucia, the chatelaine of Mallards House - much to the chagrin of Mrs Elizabeth Mapp-Flint

Helena Herman ~ a former male impersonator in the music hall who became Lady Deal on marriage. Inadvisably relying upon her particularly venerable and outdated copy of the Peerage, Miss Mapp mistook the current very prominent and respectable Lady Florence Deal, who had a summer lease on the house Suntrap in Tilling as the former male impersonator and rudely snubbed her - to general amusement.

Hermione ~ pen name of society columnist Stephen Merriall in the Evening Gazette. His column entitled Five o' clock Chit Chat featured very regular accounts of all Lucia's activities during the London season ranging from openings and exhibitions to parties, balls, dinners and the opera - to the irritation of the friends left behind in Riseholme.

Tall, slim and middle aged, he had thick auburn hair and waved his hands when he talked - not entirely unlike Georgie. He wore Oxford trousers and a little cape also not entirely unlike those favoured by Georgie. Observation of Mr Merriall naturally prompted in Georgie an immediate deep distrust.

Wishing to attain the cachet of being thought to have a lover, Lucia engineered a wholly false impression that her entirely innocent acquaintance with Stephen Merriall amounted to an illicit affair. This was fully appreciated and observed with pleasure by the dedicated band of Luciaphils.

Visited Lucia and Pepino for a weekend party at The Hurst in Riseholme with other friends including Sophie Alingsby and Tony Limpsfield.

Also, was a late substitute when Pepino was incapacitated by illness, at a grand end-of-season house party held by Adele Brixton. During the weekend Lucia perpetuated the wholly false impression of her faux affaire with Stephen. This came to an unfortunate climax when, late one evening, entirely innocently, Lucia walked into his bedroom, which adjoined her own, to find him shocked and horrified in fetching honey-coloured pyjamas. This traumatic event appears to have terminated their non-existent ardour in perpetuity.

Hermione Pillson, Hermy ~ sister of Georgie and Ursula Pillson. Both sisters were plain, strapping and hearty. They adored otter hunting and Georgie observed that Hermy could be very sarcastic when not otter hunting - as in August when it was not possible. They also liked pigs, dogs and mutton chops. As such, they were rather a discordant element in Riseholme.

Hermy and Ursy enjoyed golf, stunts such as cycling down from town for a lark, their lean Irish terrier Tiptree and testing the patience of their indulgent brother Georgie.

In addition they were at times rather too forward with Georgie's loyal staff, referring to his handsome chauffeur as Dickie-bird and the estimable Foljambe as an iceberg and even Fol-de-rol-de-ray. Once, they mistakenly subjected her to a booby trap of mixed biscuits and Brazil nuts intended for Georgie. Naturally Foljambe rose above the indignity with inpenetrable calm.

Unlike the creme de Riseholme, Hermy and Ursy did not join in the Guruism promoted by Lucia that reigned supreme in the village throughout that August; in fact, ignoring the guru, they pronounced the whole thing piffle and enjoyed disrupting Georgie's mono-pedal practice on the lawn with discordant cries of Om!

Ultimately, it was Hermy and Ursy who eventually saw and recognised the guru as a hard-drinking curry-cook from the Calcutta Restaurant in Bedford Street and advised that he came from Madras, but was no more a Brahmin than Foljambe. Contrary to their initial plan to reveal all and humiliate Lucia, Georgie persuaded his sisters to leave next morning without publicising the guru's deception.

Heynes's ~ the wool shop in Tilling which innocently sold some rose madder worsted ordered by Elizabeth Mapp to Diva Plaistow, an error which gave rise to lengthy and disproportionate recriminations.

High Street ~ the narrow main thoroughfare in Tilling in which shops were located and much of the social intercourse of the town took place during marketing hours.The conventional opening gambit in such discussions in Tilling was "Any news?"

Hitum ~ the highest echelon in Riseholme's dress code: one's very best dress, the smartest, newest of all, as though for a resplendent party. For gentlemen it implied white tie and tail coat (see Titum and Scrub)

Holroyd, Mr ~ Georgie Pillson's hairdresser -particularly skillful in the fitting of his toupet and regular dying of hair to the required delicate shade of auburn.

Honeymoons ~ marriages between the young and indeed those past the first flush of youth were not uncommon in Riseholme or Tilling. Thus Jane Weston married Jacob Boucher and within the hour their servants Elizabeth and Atkinson also entered Holy Matrimony. Their destinations on honeymoon - if any - are unknown.

In Tilling, Susan Poppit married Algernon Wyse (of the Wyses of Whitchurch). Following the wedding the happy couple went, with Mrs Wyse's daughter Isabel, for a motor tour of the Continent in the Royce, no doubt planning to go as far south as Capri to stay with Algernon's sister and brother-in-law Amelia and Cecco, the Contessa and Cont di Faraglione.

Following their marriage, Elizabeth and Benjamin Mapp-Flint honeymooned in Monte Carlo where they stayed in a pension and daringly gambled successfully at the Casino.

Emmeline and Georgie Pillson honeymooned discreetly at Olga Bracely's Old Place in their former home village of Riseholme in the Midlands.

The nuptials of Foljambe and Cadman were conducted from the bride's home, but we do not know if or where the happy couple honeymooned.

Hopkins, Mr ~ fishmonger in Tilling and occasional model (au naturel save for little bathing drawers, noted on one occasion with extreme embarrassment by Miss Mapp) of local artist, Quaint Irene Coles. His most notable role was as Adam. Walking out with Miss Mapp's parlour maid, Withers.

Hospital fete ~ during her summer lease of Mallards, Lucia thought it would be appropriate to do something to benefit the locality and graciously agreed to hold a fete in aid of the local hospital in the garden at Mallards.

On hearing of the proposal, Miss Mapp was horrified and hurried to Mallards to forbid the proposal. Such was her haste to enter that she pushed so hard on the front door which had been specifically chained to bar her unannounced admittance that the chain and hasp broke and the door flew open. Miss Mapp blamed the effect of rust, but on subsequent inspection none was found.

After an exchange that contrived to be both frosty and heated, it became apparent that Lucia would not acquiesce to Miss Mapp's complaints regarding the rag, tag and bob-tail of Tilling passing through her hall and sweet little sitting room, soiling her carpets, trampling her flower beds and filching her possessions after stealing upstairs. The debate descended somewhat when Miss Mapp accused Lucia of intending to hire a menagerie and have an exhibition of tigers and sharks in the garden room.

Despite inquiry of her solicitor, Miss Mapp found no way of preventing her tenant from hosting the fete at Mallards

After this unpleasantness the fete went ahead and even Miss Mapp paid the required half crown on entrance.

The fete featured tableaux with Major Benjy as King Cophetua and culminated in Lucia as Queen Elizabeth knighting Georgie as Drake. There were also glees from the choir interposed between the tableaux and Quaint Irene dressed as a sailor recited a most amusing pastiche of the Boy Stood on the Burning Deck.

Attendees included what Miss Mapp considered those dreadful old wretches from the workhouse, snuffy old things, some of them smoking pipes on her lawn and scattering matches.

Her discomfiture was increased by the threat posed by the choristers to the figs and other fruit in her garden.

For Miss Mapp an uncomfortable day climaxed when Mr Wyse complimented Lucia upon her watercolour of Mallards Cottage with the crooked chimney commenting that it would have graced Tilling's Art Exhibition.

It emerged that it had been submitted to the hanging committee, but returned. Although Mr Wyse recognised that There has been some hanky panky, the return of Lucia and Georgie's submissions was treated as an oversight and arrangements were promptly made to display their works.

Lucia and Georgie knew however that there had been no accident; they held the rejection slips issued by Miss Mapp which conclusively proved that she had deliberately rejected their paintings. They would be kept for future use, if necessary.

"Humour in Furniture" ~ memorable essay written and read by Lucia to the Riseholme Literary Society. Quaintnesses were alluded to such as a brass milk-can serving as a receptacle for walking sticks and umbrellas, a dish of deceivingly realistic stone fruit and a furry Japanese spider in a silk web of fearful verisimilitude, sufficient to induce flight in a new housemaid. Lucia hoped that such whimsicalities might allow for a sequel on "Gambits of Conversation derived from Furniture"

Hurst, The ~ Elizabethan home close to the Green in the Elizabethan village of Riseholme in Worcestershire of Mr Philip Lucas and his wife Emmeline or Lucia. The Hurst stood at the end of the village, half a mile from the station.

It comprised three former cottages combined with a new wing added at right angles at the back which was, if anything, a shade more blatantly Elizabethan than the stem onto which it was grafted. It presented a charmingly irregular and picturesque front with two parts grey stone of the district and a middle one of brick and timber. The front door was newly made from oak planks from a dismantled barn studded with large iron nails artlessly arranged in an antique pattern to spell "AD1603".

Over the door hung an old inn sign with the swinging sign replaced by a lantern and electric light. The unmanageably heavy iron bell pull ending in a mermaid was rendered more convenient by electrification and the addition of a discreet bone button at the back of the tail.

Internally, The Hurst featured every authentic Elizabethan inconvenience from low beams and opaque gloom-inducing window glass to heavy wooden furniture and rush matting on certain floors. Its rooms, such as bedrooms Othello and Hamlet, were all named after Shakespeare's plays. See Perdita's Garden, Perdita's Border.

I ~ is for Isabel

Ideal System of Callisthenics for Those No Longer Young ~ an instructional manual advocating various exercises much favoured by Lucia. In Tilling, Lucia gave an inscribed copy to Diva Plaistow and held instructional classes for members of the Tilling elite, not including Miss Mapp. Lucia conducted her classes in a tunic rather like Artemis, but with a supplementary skirt and scarlet stockings and played soothing music to her pupils as they rested in her drawing room afterwards.

Inductive reasoning ~ intellectual process in which many inhabitants of Riseholme excelled in which facts would be marshaled together and interpreted to determine the actual nature and significance of what had transpired affecting life in Riseholme or, more interestingly, was about to take place. Experts in the field included Mrs Weston, Daisy Quantock , Georgie Pillson and naturally Lucia. Thus Mrs Weston worked out that Olga Bracely had taken Old Place and Lucia and Georgie that Daisy Quantock had accidentally burned down Riseholme Museum.

In Tilling the standard of inductive reasoning was also high, with Elizabeth Mapp excelling, as when she deduced that both Major Benjy and Captain Puffin had both run away from their duel. Similarly, in a fine exhibition of inductive reasoning, Diva Plaistow and Evie Bartlett worked out how Elizabeth Mapp came to receive a telephone call intended for Suntrap and to deliver and withdraw her calling card when she wrongly determined that Lady Deal was formerly a male impersonator from the music hall.

"Infelicities" ~ As befits a renowned scholar, there are remarkably few inconsistencies over the six Mapp & Lucia novels. As a classicist, EFB was no doubt aware of the saying "Even Homer nods". Despite his considerable output, the brilliant and fastidious EFB hardly ever "nodded", but his proof readers and type-setters occasionally did. Here are a few, mostly trivial, examples of the infelicitous or puzzling:

• In most of the novels Lucia’s chauffeur and the husband of the estimable Foljambe is “Cadman”. In some however he is called “Chapman”.


• Olga Bracely clearly refers to her ill-fated husband as “Georgie”, yet Lady Ambermere for some reason calls him “Charlie”


• Elizabeth Mapp’s gardener normally appears as “Coplen” but at times surfaces as “Coglen”


• Mr Rumbold, the vicar of Riseholme and donor of a collection of walking sticks to the new museum, is sometimes referred to as “Rushbold”


• Unless its literary pretensions rivalled Hay-on-Wye, is it likely that the Green of a small village like Riseholme could support both Ye Signe of Ye Daffodille (occasionally Daffodile) and Ye Olde Booke Shoppe?


• "Pepino” or “Peppino”? We should be told.


• In the early chapters of "Mapp and Lucia" Mrs Antrobus (with her new hearing device) and her tall daughters Piggy and Goosie are transmuted into "Arbuthnots"


• Though certainly not amounting to an infelicity, one wonders why Adele Brixton came to purchase from Lucia The Hurst in Riseholme, when she already owned the magnificent country house featured in the marvellous weekend party described towards the end of "Lucia in London"


• Again, at the end of "Lucia in London" when Lucia tells Pepino that she thinks the portrait of Aunt Amy by Sargent and the small seed pearls should be sold, she added that her own portrait by Sigismund should be sold too. Surprisingly, in the first chapter of "Mapp and Lucia ", the very same picture of Lucia by Tancred Sigismund, looking like a chessboard with some arms and legs and eyes sticking out of it, is reported as still hanging on the wall at The Hurst nearly a year after Pepino's sad death. In fairness, mourning did intervene. Also, Lucia did comment that the post cubists were not making much of a mark; perhaps this affected demand for Sigismund's rather advanced work, even a piece described as a masterpiece of adagio. Even later, at the official banquet marking her installation as Mayor of Tilling in "Trouble for Lucia", it is reported that Lucia wore her chain of inherited seed pearls in her hair. The oft-worn pearls were also adorned Lucia's hair at dinner with the Mapp-Flints on the evening between Lucia's supper a deux with Poppy, Duchess of Sheffield and the re-appearance of the Duchess at Mallards House, which brought a happy conclusion to the intervening social crisis caused by general belief that the earlier visit had been a figment of Worship's imagination.


• Similarly, it strikes ones as strange that the only two identified dogs in Tilling, Diva's Paddy and the Pillson sisters' Tiptree, happen both to be lean Irish terriers. The name and breed of the dog of Tilling estate agent, Mr Woolgar, once patted on the head by Elizabeth Mapp (the dog not the estate agent) is not divulged. As a slight aside from EFB, Tom Holt refers to Paddy as an Irish setter in the second chapter of "Lucia Triumphant".

Irene Coles, Quaint ~ see Coles, Irene , Quaint

Isabel Poppit ~ free-spirited daughter of Susan Poppit, later Susan Wyse.

Collected malaprops and wrote them out in a note-book. If you reversed the note-book and began at the other end you would find the collection of spoonerisms, which were very amusing too.

In pursuance of the simple life, Isabel slept between blankets in the back yard of Mallards Cottage and - apparently - ate uncooked vegetables out of a wooden bowl like a dog. Happily let Mallards Cottage to Georgie and took a small unplumbed brown bungalow with extremely limited facilities amongst the sand dunes where she could pursue her taste for a more uncomplicated life and a regime of regular sun baths.

When Lucia decided to relocate from The Hurst in Riseholme to Grebe outside Tilling, Georgie also opted to move and was easily able to persuade Isabel to assign to him the residue of her five year lease of Mallards Cottage.

Isabel's sun baths each usually took about three hours - if fine. Her mother Susan commented that Isabel called it the Browning Society and she must not miss a meeting. With her skin turned black from continuous sunbathing and her hair spiky and wiry with so many sea baths, Isabel resembled a cross between a kipper and a sea urchin.

Rode a motor cycle somewhat wildly and, with strong arms and a mahogany face, looked like a sort of modernised Valkyrie in rather bad repair.

Considered by the less charitable in Tilling as a "Yahoo".

Isabel Princess ~ A member of European royalty whose company Lucia ambitiously sought whilst enjoying London society. Her great aunt was reputedly Queen Charlotte, whose mittens had come into the hands of Lady Ambermere. Visited Georgie in Riseholme with her friend Olga Bracely whilst Lucia entertained Sophie Alingsby, Elsie Garroby-Ashton, Lord Limpsfield and Stephen Merriall at The Hurst.

J ~ is for Janet

Jacob Boucher ~ see Colonel Jacob Boucher.

Jackdaw, Miss ~ appropriate maiden name of the bride of Colonel Boucher's former servant, Ahab Crow.

James Joyce, Mr. ~ see "Ulysses".

Jamifleg ~ spirit guide of Goosie Antrobus prompted by the visit to Daisy Quantock of soi disant psychic medium Princess Popoffski whilst automatic writing was fashionable in Riseholme. See Annabel and Nicostratus.

Janet ~ Diva Plaistow's servant. Her duties included assisting in the service of teas at Ye Olde Tea House run by her mistress in the front parlour of her house, Wasters.

"Jetsam" ~ see "Flotsam" and "Jetsam".

K ~ is for Kingfisher blue

Kenneth Bartlett ~ vicar of Tilling (see Bartlett, Kenneth)

Kingfisher blue ~ colour of the tea gown of precisely the same design worn by Elizabeth Mapp and Diva Plaistow, to their joint mortification. Petrol was thrown on the flames of their fury when the Padre commented that they were very much alike: a pair of exquisite sisters.

It was difficult to tell who found this more provocative, since Diva was four years younger than Miss Mapp and Miss Mapp four inches taller than Diva.

King's Arms Hotel ~ hotel and public house in the High Street in Tilling. Its committee room was used to count the votes in the local council election in which Lucia and Elizabeth Mapp-Flint stood as candidates. With traffic suspended and a large crowd gathered, the result of the election was announced by the Mayor in full civic robes from its first floor balcony overlooking the High Street. Despite energetic campaigns, Lucia and Elizabeth came joint bottom of the poll.

Later, on Mayoring Day, when Lucia was formally elected by the Town Council and assumed her scarlet robes, the new Mayor entertained a large party to lunch at the Kings Arms Hotel, preceding them in state while the church bells rang, dogs barked, camera clicked and the sun gleamed on the massive maces borne before her. There were cheers for Lucia, led by the late Mayor, and cheers for the Mayoress led by her present husband.

Kruschen salts ~ Georgie often added a little glass gallipot of Kruschen salts to his early morning hot water or tea, if he suspected he had committed an error of diet the night before.

L ~ is for Luciaphils

Ladies' hairdressers ~ amongst its many facilities, Tilling boasted what was referred to as a "hair-dressing and toilet establishment", "saloon" or "shop". The concern was unnamed and of unspecified location, but seems to have been relatively close to Twistevants in the High Street. It was patronised by many of the elite of the town, including Elizabeth Mapp-Flint, Diva Plaistow, Evie Bartlett and Susan Wyse. See Maquillage.

Language~ Lucia and Georgie affected fluent Italian by peppering their conversation with easy phrases in la bella lingua. Many, including Elizabeth Mapp, were particularly doubtful as to their linguistic competence, but despite several near-misses they were never really found-out. On occasion it proved necessary to resort to subterfuge, such as seclusion during feigned illness, trips away, claimed difficulty with particular Neapolitan dialects and even use of a letter written by someone with appropriate competence in Italian to avoid detection.

Following her honeymoon in Monte Carlo, Elizabeth Mapp-Flint commenced her own version of the gambit using short phrases or the odd word in conversational French - de temps en temps.

Another linguistic habit of Lucia and Georgie involved use of saccharine baby talk, particularly when me was vewy sowwy about something. Fortunately this tended to be enjoyed in private rather than in wider adult society. Again, the practice did not meet with the approval of Miss Mapp who was wont to satirise it on occasion, as when loudly suggesting to Georgie that he should ring her belly pelly.

Common usage in Tilling included the punning farewell Au reservoir! See Easy Italian, Easy French and Baby talk

Lectures ~ Lucia failed to set up a series of Mayoral cultural lectures at the Literary Institute featuring external speakers. Desmond McCarthy declined to talk about the less known novelists of the time of William IV and Noel Coward could not speak on the technique of the modern stage on any of the five nights offered. Lucia was surprised that they did not welcome the opportunity to get more widely known.

Instead, Lucia arranged for the lectures to be given by locals throughout April and May. Lucia gave the inaugural lecture on Shakespearean drama on 15 April and illustrated the simplicity of the Shakespearean stage in the sleepwalking scene from Macbeth with only an up-turned torch. The Padre was invited to speak on Free Will or the Origin of Evil, Irene on the technique of fresco painting, Diva on mass catering and Major Benjy on tiger shooting. There was also a musical evening. Lucia thought she should invite Elizabeth Mapp to contribute, but didn't know on what subject she had any ideas of the slightest value.

Distinguished experts such as Mr Gielgud, Sir Henry Wood, Messrs Lyons and the Bishop were unfortunately unable to attend and it ultimately proved necessary to distribute a good many complimentary tickets to boost attendances.

Leg, Susan (Miss) ~ Rudolph la Vinci, world-wide lady romantic novelist and summer tenant of Elizabeth Mapp-Flint at Grebe (whilst the Mapp-Flints leased the Vicarage and the Bartletts holidayed in Scotland). Considered to be a funny, little round red thing and rather "swanky" since she brought her butler, footman and Daimler.

Although her readers normally expected an aristocratic setting for her romances, she intended to use her stay to research this little centre of English provincial life in view of a future book.

Miss Leg never took a holiday and finely observed "I shall not rest till the shadows of life's eventide close round me"

On her arrival, Elizabeth determined to run Miss Leg socially, but found her a demanding, expensive and opinionated guest. Lucia thwarted Elizabeth's attempts to show off to Miss Leg by countermanding her instructions to put the civic plate of Tilling on display for her inspection or to invite Miss Leg to sign the civic visitor's book as a distinguished guest in the borough.

Miss Leg's mind was soon poisoned against Lucia by Elizabeth and the process promptly reversed when Lucia annexed her and ran her herself for a time, when the delights of the civic plate and visitors book were made available and Lucia called her Susannah. Having read "Kind Hearts and Coronets", Lucia longed to be immortalised in a novel centred on life in Tilling and, of course, herself.

Lib Lib ~ pet name ascribed to Elizabeth Mapp by Lucia in retaliation for "Lulu" - see Lulu

Limpsfield, Toby, Lord Limpsfield ~ aristocratic member of Lucia's social circle during her London season. Lucia clung to him at parties since he seemed to know everybody and raked in introductions.

Listening-in ~ the wireless was relatively late in coming to Riseholme. It was installed at Old Place when acquired by Olga Bracely. Although Lucia countenanced the telephone she had expressed herself very strongly on the subject of listening-in. She had unfortunate experience of it herself, for whilst on a visit to London her hostess had switched it on and the company was regaled with a vivid lecture on pyorrhea by a hospital nurse. Lucia reversed her opinion on listening-in -as she did upon bridge, crosswords and modern music -upon deciding to go to London for the season after the sad demise of of Auntie Amy.

Little Slam ~ conductor of a correspondence class in bridge advertised in the publication "Cosy Corner" which Mrs Poppit proposed to join. For the sum of two guineas, payable in advance, Little Slam engaged to make first class bridge players of anyone with normal intelligence.

Liz ~ name by which Major Benjy was wont even in company, to call his new bride, Elizabeth. See "Girlie".

Lobster a La Riseholme ~ a particularly delicious lobster dish served at dinner or luncheon parties by Lucia and much enjoyed by her guests. When Lucia had on several occasions declined to give her the old family recipe for the dish, Elizabeth Mapp ventured uninvited into the kitchen at Grebe whilst the staff were out and covertly copied the recipe.

Coincidentally, at this very moment the sea defences opposite Grebe gave way and Miss Mapp and by now Lucia escaped the deluge by climbing onto an upturned kitchen table and were blown out to sea. After several months on an Italian trawler, both ladies were returned safely to dry land after being feared drowned.

At a luncheon held to celebrate her betrothal to Major Flint following her return from sea, Miss Mapp dared to put Lobster a la Riseholme on the menu. When Lucia tasted the dish all assembled guests held their breath until her response. With a look not of reproach but only comprehension and unfathomable contempt Lucia asked: Are you sure you copied the recipe out quite correctly, Elizabetha mia? You must pop into my kitchen some afternoon when you are going for your walk - never mind if I am in or not - and look at it again. And if my cook is out too, you will find the recipe in a book on the kitchen shelf. But you know that, don't you?

London Tansport "C" ~ following her scandalously successful dealings in Siriami, Burma Corporation and Southern Prefs, Lucia purchased shares in London Transport "C" at the suggestion of her broker, Mammoncash, who thought that in a year's time there should be considerable capital appreciation. And so it transpired.

Lord Middlesex ~ Friend of Babs Shyton implicated in the celebrated Shyton divorce case followed avidly by Lucia and the rest of society. Famously known by Bab's pet-name for him of Woof dog

"Lost to Sight" ~ title of Elizabeth Mapp's talk on her adventures at sea to be given at Mallards at the same time as Lucia's talk on the same subject A Modern Odyssey at the Institute in Tilling. No-one attended Miss Mapp's lecture and so she did not deliver it. Instead, after a pleasant chat on the loneliness of loneliness and affinities, Miss Mapp and Major Flint became engaged to be married.

Lucas Cup ~ trophy to be awarded to the winners of the members' foursomes, donated to Riseholme Golf Club by Pepino upon Lucia's appointment as President of the Club

Lucia ~ see Emmeline Lucas and Mrs Emmeline Pillson

Luciaphils ~ Luciaphilism first emerged during a little colloquy in Adele Brixton's box during the interval after the first Act of rather gloomy play by Tchekov. Lady Brixton applied inductive reasoning to various of Lucia's actions since her debut in society that season. She cleverly concluded that when Lucia had curtsied to the telephone for effect, it had been Pepino that rang her up. She confessed that she had not been so interested in anything for years.

After a short period of watching her manoeuvre about London society with formidable effectiveness, a group of Luciaphils or fans emerged amongst Lucia's new friends and acquaintances. Goodwill towards Lucia was a sine qua non of membership - which excluded Aggie Sandeman for eligibility.

Adele Brixton, Tony Limpsfield, Sophie Alingsby, Olga Bracely and Marcia Whitby were avid members and shared the pleasure of watching Lucia's astonishing career together with it's social climbing and her entirely pretended affair with Stephen Merriall.

Latterly Marcia Whitby came to take a more severe line about her, rather than feeling the entranced pleasure of the true Luciaphil at Lucia's successes and failures, her schemes, ambitions and attainments.

Lucas, Amy, Aunt ~ see Amy, Aunt, Lucas

Lucas, Phillip ~ husband of Emmeline Lucas -hence her name Lucia. He was known by the affectionate Italianate diminutive of Pepino (or Peppino). He was formerly a Barrister and amassed a fortune at the Bar. He enjoyed astronomy and poetry, sharing many of Lucia's cultural interests, but lacked her energy and single-minded zeal. Blessed with a very firm grasp of the obvious.

He had no objection to his wife's friendship with Georgie Pillson, whom he too trusted implicitly and considered a friend.

Pepino wrote prose poems on topics such as Loneliness in the style of Walt Whitman. His poems which included a severely limited edition of Fugitive Lyrics and Pensieri Persi were privately published at his own expense by Ye Sign of Ye Daffodille.

Pepino indulged Lucia over her exhausting season in London, but was not as nimble as his wife: the incense at Sophie Alingsby's made him sneeze and the primitive tunes on the spinet made him snore. At brilliant gatherings he did not always grasp who people were with the necessary speed and had been known to grasp the hand of an eminent author and tell him how much he admired his fine picture at the Academy. Though bewildered and buffeted by the high gale of social activity, Pepino was hugely proud of his wife's triumphant summer campaign in society. After a severe bout of pneumonia he was however relieved to abandon Brompton Square before London life became too wearing.

Pepino and Lucia had been a most devoted couple for over twenty-five years and her grief at this loss was heart-felt; Lucia missed him constantly and keenly and entered into a long and uncompromising mourning. Though she did not make a luxury out of the tokens of grief, she perhaps made, ever so slightly, a stunt out of them.

Lucas, Emmeline ~ see Emmeline Lucas

Lucretia ~ sometimes Lucrezia, a new opera by Italian composer Signor Cortese written for and premiered in America by prima donna, Olga Bracely. It enjoyed the hugest success in America, Australia, Berlin, Paris and London. The opera featured scenes such as the fete of Lucretia's infamous father Pope Alexander VI, her marriage in the Sistine Chapel to the duke of Biseglia and his murder in Lucretia's presence by the hired bravos of His Holiness and her brother. Georgie was particularly moved when Lucretia, swathed in black followed her husband's bier and sang the lament "Amore misterioso, celeste, profondo".

Lucia's view of the work progressed from an initial pained discomfort with its modernity to an almost proprietorial tendency to sing its praises publicly and recount in detail her part in its birth. However often Lucia heard the opera she remained incapable of recognising The Prayer from Lucretia. On one memorable occasion she confused it with Les feux magiques, by Berlioz.

Lucy ~ Quaint Irene Cole's six foot maid who, but for her sex, might have been in the Guards. Modelled for her mistress as Eve.

Lucy Eve ~ Elizabeth Mapp's servant

Lulu ~ pet name, a detestable abbreviation, ascribed to Lucia - to her dismay - by Elizabeth Mapp

Luton, Elizabeth ~ see Elizabeth Luton

Luton, Tommy ~ worked for Mrs Weston, particularly adept at pushing her wheelchair around the Green in Riseholme at a rather considerable speed. Sang carols at Christmas time

Lyall, Miss ~ Lady Ambermere's oppressed companion - often referred to as "poor thin Miss Lyall". A miserable spinster of age so obvious as to be called uncertain. She had a melancholy wistful little face; her head was inclined with a backward slope on her neck and her mouth was invariably open showing long front teeth, so that she looked rather like a roast hare sent up to table with its head on.

Apart from devoting herself body and mind to her patroness, her duties included reading the paper aloud, setting Lady Ambermere's patterns for needlework, carrying her mistresses' lapdog Pug under her arm and washing him once a week, accompanying Lady Ambermere to church and never having fire in her bedroom.

Effaced herself on the front seat next to the chauffeur when riding in Lady Ambermere's motor. Drove a small pony hip-bath attended by a stable boy from the Hall.

Always responded "Oh, Mr Pillson!" to Georgie's invariably innocent jokes and thought him remarkably pleasant.

M ~ is for Mallards

MBE ~ The Order of Member of the British Empire awarded to and proudly worn by Mrs Susan Wyse

Mackintosh, Miss ~ Lady Florence Deal's aged former governess who occupied Suntrap in Curfew Street in Tilling when leased for her by her former charge. Described as kind and nice, rather lame, much wrinkled and with a good deal of moustache. Embarrassingly mistaken by Elizabeth Mapp for a previous Lady Deal, also known as Helena Herman the male impersonator. See Lady Deal and Suntrap

Mallards ~ A Queen Anne house with a fine central position in Tilling, inherited from her Aunt Caroline by Miss Elizabeth Mapp. Described by Miss Mapp in her advertisement in The Times as having seven bedrooms, four sitting rooms, h & c and an old world garden. Its entrancing airy garden room gave a view over the surrounding streets. With its secret cupboard artfully concealed behind an array of false books, it was regularly used to host bridge parties.

The property enjoyed a pretty and bountiful high-walled garden of three quarters of an acre at most including a hedged secret garden or giardino segreto, the interior of which was only visible from the very top of the tower of the nearby church.

After being let in high season for several years, Mallards was sold to Mrs Emmeline Pillson, formerly Lucas and much repair and decoration was carried out under the new ownership. Mallards House, as renamed, continued to be the centre of social life for Tilling society.

Mallards Cottage ~ the cottage owned by Isabel Poppit let (for four guineas a week) and subsequently sold to Georgie Pillson on his relocation to Tilling from Riseholme

Mammoncash ~ Lucia's stockbroker

Mapp, Elizabeth ~ see Elizabeth Mapp

Maquillage ~ the ladies of Tilling had always accepted the use of powder on the face on hot day, when prominent features were apt to turn crimson, or on very cold ones when prominent features were apt to turn mauve, but had never really ventured to embellish themselves with rouge and lipstick and arched eyebrows. A revolution in such matters followed the advent of the beautifully maquillee prima donna, Olga Bracely, who impressed them considerably; following her fashionable lead, the ladies took much greater care with their appearance.

Consequently, Evie Bartlett appeared with blood-red finger nails (all save one, which had been overlooked and appeared frost-bitten).

Elizabeth Mapp-Flint rouged her cheeks which looked like the petals of wild roses. Unfortunately, she had not the nerve to incarnadine her mouth, which in contrast appeared to be afflicted with the cyanosis which precedes death. Elizabeth considered that the rose-mantled cheeks she now saw in her looking glass made her feel (not only appear) ten years younger.

Diva Plaistow, on the other hand, was terrified of the aspect of blooming youth and wiped the rouge off at the last moment, but retained a Cupid's bow of a vermilion mouth and two twin arched eyebrows in charcoal. As a result, she seemed permanently surprised - but in a high-bred manner.

Susan Wyse had her grey hair waived, so that it resembled corrugated tin roofing and felt it made her look like a French marquise

Upon her return from London after being lionized over her Painting of the Year, Quaint Irene Coles was amazed at the facial transformation of the ladies of Tilling and satirized their efforts by appearing in the High Street with the tip of her nose covered in green billiard-chalk. See Ladies' hairdressers.

Marble, Mr ~ Tilling stonemason (such was his appropriate name) who, on Georgie's instructions and at his expense, carved the cenotaph in memory of Lucia and Mapp following their perceived loss at sea

Margate ~ destination of the day trip organised by Lucia for all her Girl Guides from Tilling

Marie Lowenstein ~ real name of fraudulent medium, Princess Popoffski, engaged by Daisy Quantock

Marshall ~ domestic servant of Lucia and Pepino in Riseholme

Mary ~ Mrs Weston's cook in Riseholme

Mary, Queen of Scots ~ role which Lucia could be persuaded to play in tableaux to moving effect

Maya ~ term used by Daisy Quantock, a relic of the days when she had studied Yoga. It meant "illusion"; thus it was important to concentrate (otherwise the deep breathing did no good at all), or rather to attain a complete blankness of mind and exclude from it all mundane interests -which were Maya.

Mayoress of Tilling ~ on Lucia's appointment as Mayor-elect of Tilling something approaching a feeding frenzy developed amongst her circle in the town as to who should be her Mayoress. Although by then her husband, Georgie was debarred from the office by his sex.

Offers to fill the role were received from Diva Plaistow, Susan Wyse, Evie Bartlett and Elizabeth Mapp-Flint by both oral and written application accompanied by direct and indirect lobbying and unusual displays of erudition in civic matters over the dinner table.

At an early point Lucia decided to bestow the honour upon Elizabeth Mapp-Flint primarily because she would have been infinitely more tiresome if she was not appointed. Lucia later admitted: "The only object of my making her Mayoress was to dope her malignant propensities"

To add piquancy to the process, Lucia made no direct approach and only asked Elizabeth to become her Mayoress when Elizabeth had forced herself to visit her to importune her for the role.

Naturally Elizabeth displayed no gratitude for her appointment and tried to let it be known that she had been begged to help Lucia shoulder the burdens of an office beyond her capabilities. On hearing of this Lucia remarked "Poor thing. Like all habitual liars, she deceives herself more often than she deceives others"

Memorial stone ~ beautiful white marble memorial stone erected just outside the south transept in the church yard at Tilling at his own expense by Georgie Pillson following the perceived loss of Miss Mapp and Lucia, when washed out to sea on an upturned kitchen table after the sea defences gave way and Grebe was flooded. Georgie mentioned his intention to Major Flint who did not offer to share the cost and simply responded "Capital idea" and took some whisky and soda.

On her safe return via an Italian fishing trawler on the Gallagher Bank, Lucia was taken aback by the memorial, but deeply touched. Its final line read implausibly: "In death they were not divided". Rather than being moved, Miss Mapp was merely irritated since, through oversight and lack of space, the stone mason had incised her name in much smaller letters than that of Lucia.

The cenotaph was much admired and a full-page reproduction of it appeared in the Parish Magazine for April. Though Tilling said nothing about the relative size of the inscribed names, it was felt that the error was productive of a very suitable effect, if a symbolic meaning was interpreted into it. Georgie was considered to have behaved very handsomely in this and so many other matters, particularly when compared to Major Flint.

McConnell ~ Editor of the Hampshire Argus. Initially threatened with a thrashing from Major Benjamin Flint after the publication of a less-than-becoming snap of his wife balancing on one leg and apparently gesturing beguilingly, taken by Quaint Irene Coles. However, after hospitably being offered and accepting many drinks, the Major completely forgot the slight, became a firm friend of the Editor and invited him for a convivial lunch.

Meriton, Mr. ~ reporter from the Hastings Chronicle. Excessively effusive in his accounts of Lucia's complete cultural, political, charitable and social pre-eminence as the chatelaine of Mallards House - to the chagrin of many in Tilling, particularly Elizabeth Mapp.

Merriall, Mr Stephen ~ see Hermione

Miss Milliner Michael-Angelo ~ nickname unkindly given to Georgie by Major Benjamin satirising his fastidious dress sense and artistic talents and disposition. He also called Georgie Miss Mapp's "dressmaker".

Modern Odyssey, A ~ Lucia's talk on her adventures when swept out to sea held one Friday afternoon at the Institute in Tilling. The Padre took the chair and the audience was packed, largely drawn by the offer of a sumptuous and free tea. After tea had been served during the interval all the audience ebbed away, save for a hard core of only Irene, Georgie, the Wyses and Bartletts to listen to the second half.

Subsequently Lucia asked all the inmates of the workhouse who were not bedridden or deaf to tea at Grebe to hear an abridged form of what she had read at the Institute. An hour was considered enough since some would find the excitement and strain of the intellectual effort too much. This treat took place on exactly on the same day as Miss Mapp had planned to deliver her talk to them.

"Moonlight Sonata" ~ Beethoven piece, the slow movement of which - with its exquisite pathos - was a particular favourite of Lucia and which she described as another key to Beethoven's soul. Lucia was very often persuaded to perform the work - on some civic and church occasions and all musical evenings at Riseholme and latterly in Tilling.

Lucia could never bring herself to believe that the two succeeding movements were on the same astounding level as the first - besides, they went very much faster.

The Moonlight Sonata (especially the first movement) had an almost sacred significance in Riseholme and later in Tilling. It was Lucia's tune, much as God Save the King was the King's tune.

A transcription for organ was played by Lucia on the dedication by the Bishop of her organ in Tilling church, restored and wonderfully improved at her considerable expense - with Georgie on the pedals.

On one memorable evening Lucia was persuaded to attend to a rendition of the piece on the "listening-in" machine newly installed by Olga Bracely at Old Place. After listening patiently Lucia critiqued the performance and compared it unfavourably with that by Cortot who took it a little more slowly and a little more legato. She was even persuaded to demonstrate the nuances of Cortot's superior interpretation on the piano. Later when alone, Olga confirmed to Georgie "By the way, of course it was Cortot who was playing 'Moonlight Sonata' faster than Cortot plays it".

Lucia created a precedent by contributing to the musical entertainment which concluded the Mayoral banquet which celebrated her installation. As the Hampshire Argus recorded, Lucia gave an exquisite rendering on the piano of the slow movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. It produced a somewhat pensive effect and she went back to her presiding place again amid respectful applause and a shrill and very solitary cry of "Encore!" from Elizabeth Mapp-Flint.

After one particularly moving rendition, Major Benjy said he was devoted to Chopin.

Morning parliament ~ informal practice in Riseholme to stroll upon the Green near to the ducking pond and latterly opposite Old Place at mid-morning and perchance meet and exchange news with friends and neighbours. Regular participants included Mrs Weston, Colonel Boucher, Daisy Quantock, Georgie, Lucia and Mrs Antrobus - whilst, ignoring their advancing years, her daughters Piggie and Goosie gambolled and frolicked nearby with remarkable energy.

Morning room ~ small apartment opening out of the hall at Mallards and used chiefly for the bestowal of hats, cloaks and umbrellas.

Morrison, Inspector ~ senior officer with the constabulary in Tilling. Required from time to time to request Lucia to sign summonses as a magistrate. Innocently caused anxiety to the players by requesting Lucia to sign one such document whilst she enjoyed a rubber or two of bridge for the usual stakes at Diva Plaistow's tea-rooms when his visit was mistaken for a raid.

Sir Andrew Moss ~ President of the Divorce Court sitting in the celebrated Shyton divorce case. He had dined with Lucia on the previous evening and given her an admission card to the court.

N ~ is for nougat chocolates

Nicostratus ~ spirit guide of Mrs Antrobus. The connection began during the visit of so-called psychic medium Princess Popoffski to Daisy Quantock whilst spiritualism and automatic writing were popular in Riseholme. See Annabel and Jamifleg.

"No" ~ the simple word "No" connoted a great deal in Riseholme vernacular. It was used as a mere negative without emphasis. Weight was added by the addition of "Certainly not".

Used with emphasis "No" was not a negative at all and its signification briefly put was "I never heard anything so marvellous and it thrills me through and through. Please go on at once and tell me a great deal more, and then let us talk it all over"

Nougat chocolates ~ a weakness of Diva Plaistow - particularly sweet and filling - often served at Tilling bridge parties.

O ~ is for Ouija

Old Place ~ house on the Green in Riseholme purchased by prima donna , Olga Bracely from the landlord of the Ambermere Arms. The acquisition was completed secretly and much of the preparatory work upon fitting and furnishing the house was discreetly carried out by the devoted Georgie Pillson. When later surprised with the purchase, Olga's husband Mr Shuttleworth was delighted with the property and presented it to his wife, a really magnificent gift.

Olga Bracely kindly made Old Place available to Georgie and Lucia Pillson for their "honey- moon".

Olga Bracely~ see Bracely, Olga

Om ~ an ejaculation favoured in yoga usually accompanying deep breathing and some very curious physical exercises. It was generally understood that you might strain yourself unless such exercises were done properly.

Onslow Gardens ~ London home of Philip and Emmeline Lucas (or, in the Italian fashion, Lucia) before their retirement to Riseholme. Lucia held up a small but unwavering lamp of culture there - as she was later to do in Riseholme and Tilling.

Ouija ~ otherwise weedj. Another form of contacting those that have passed over using a glass touched by those participating moving between letters on the Ouija Board to make up words of messages from beyond. Weedj was all the rage for a period - so popular that it also became a verb

Oxford trousers ~ dark fawn trousers, distinctly of Oxford cut, ordered by Georgie in a moment of reckless sartorial courage. Georgie decided they were not supposed to turn up at the bottom and was pleased how small their voluminous folds made his feet look. He felt they were beautifully cut and fell in charming lines.

On seeing the trousers for the first time, the sarcastically inclined Robert Quantock looked at them as if he was Cortez and they some new planet. Then, without a word, he folded his arms and danced a few steps of what was clearly meant to be a sailor's hornpipe and tossed in a few nautical expressions.

Jarringly, the trousers prompted an initial squeal of laughter from Piggy Antrobus and the cry "Oh, Mr Georgie, I see you've gone into long frocks".

Apart from this, Georgie was generally pleased with his trousers' reception; the sensation they created was quite a respectful one.

Unfortunately his pleasure evaporated entirely when he saw Oxford trousers worn by Stephen Merriall, otherwise society columnist Hermione, whom Georgie considered foppish. He immediately arranged for them to be cut down from their monstrous proportions so that they fitted quite nicely though there had been sad waste of stuff.

Robert Quantock, who had waggishly danced a hornpipe when he first saw the trousers in their original voluminousness, posted their epitaph on seeing the abbreviated garments when he said, a propos of nothing in particular: "Home is the sailor, home from the sea".

P ~ is for Pillson

Paddy ~ Diva Plaistow's lean Irish terrier. Understood to have made off with a rabbit from the shopping basket of Elizabeth Mapp and eaten the riding crop of Major Benjamin Flint - save for its engraved silver top, which was buried and subsequently found in Diva Plaistow's garden by Georgie Pillson when demonstrating how to plant bulbs.

No doubt alluding to Paddy, some wag (no pun intended) once altered the "No Parking" sign outside Wasters, the home of his mistress, to "No Barking".

On one occasion was referred to by Diva as "Pat" (as in "Pat the dog", perhaps).

Padre ~ preferred mode of address of Elizabeth Mapp for The Rev Kenneth Bartlett, vicar of Tilling. See Bartlett, Kenneth.

"Palmist's Manual" ~ instructional volume excitedly acquired by Colonel Boucher and Mrs Weston from Ye Sign of Ye Daffodile. Mrs Weston thought it "too wonderful" and reported that "Jacob and I sat up over it until I don't know what hour".

Since on the title-page the author was merely described as "P" Mrs Weston wondered if it was written by Princess Popoffski. This prompted an excluded Lucia to the conjecture, with more sourness than irony, that it might have been written by her Pepino or Mr Pillson.

Pepino, sometimes Peppino ~ affectionate diminutive name of Philip Lucas, late husband of Lucia

Per and Georgie ~ see Georgie and Per

Perdita's garden and Perdita's border ~ as might be expected in Elizabethan Riseholme's most Elizabethan residence, the garden at The Hurst was truly Shakespearean. Its yew hedge was brought entire from a neighbouring farm. It was a charming little square plot in front of the timbered facade of The Hurst, intersected with paths of crazy pavement, carefully smothered in stone crop, which led to the Elizabethan sun dial from Wardour Street in the centre.

It was gay in the spring with those flowers (and no others) on which Perdita doted, such as violets dim, primroses or daffodil or whatever it was. Later in the summer there was eglantine (Penzance briar), honeysuckle and gilly flowers, plenty of pansies for thoughts and yards of rue. A stone bench bore the carved motto "Come thou north wind, and blow thy south, that my gardens spices may flow forth."

Periscope, Marcelle ~ male cinema artist, well-known society figure during Lucia's season in London. When not impersonating impassioned lovers, played with his moderately tame lion cub.

Picture of the Year, The ~ Irene Coles' satirical portrait of Elizabeth Mapp-Flint atop an oyster shell in beguiling skater's pose with Major Benjy in top hat amidst the clouds was Picture of the Year at the Royal Academy's Summer Exhibition. The Arts Editor of the Daily Mirror spoke of its daring realism, withering satire of the so-called Victorian age, and savage caricature of the simpering guileless prettiness of such early Italian artists as Botticelli. Despite uncertainty over whether the arresting piece was a justifiable parody of a noble work of art, the amazing canvass was unquestionably vigorous, daring and exuberantly vibrant. Elizabeth was thrilled with the fame the exposure brought her and Lucia positively ached with envy. See Arts Club Exhibition

Pigs of Tilling ~ souvenirs of the legendary Pig of Tilling -being money boxes in the shape of a pottery pig - were sold to tourists bearing a remarkable legend of authenticity which ran: I won't be druv/Though I am willing,/Good-morning my love/Said the Pig of Tilling. Miss Mapp had a colourful array of many such pigs of different hues in her morning room and was wont to greet her positive rainbow of little piggies each morning and, ever suspicious, to count them once Withers had left the room

Pillson, George ~ see Georgie Pillson

Pip ~ ailment which afflicted Diva Plaistow's canary. Thinking the bird had suffered a fit, its mistress consulted Dr Dobbie. Diva was much relieved when the unfortunate canary recovered. See Diva Plaistow.

Pipstow, Mr. ~ partner in Tilling Estate Agents Woolgar & Pipstow

Plaistow, Diva ~ see Diva Plaistow occupant of Wasters in Tilling. Near neighbour of Mallards and Mallards Cottage.

Planchette ~ favourite supernatural diversion in Riseholme. Used to obtain communication in the form of automatic writing from a spirit guide such as Abfou

Pocky ~ mischievous spirit guide of Princess Popoffski, formerly a Hungarian violinist

Poems ~Lucia's husband Philip Lucas or Pepino wrote little prose poems on various themes such as Loneliness in the loose rhythm of Walt Whitman and collected them together in slim volumes entitled Flotsam and Jetsam adorned with embossed seals and antique-looking tapes. His works were published privately by Ye Sign of Ye Daffodile on the village Green in Riseholme.

Poissons d'or ~ Gold fish, Pesci d'oro - piano composition by Debussy essayed by Georgie. An elusive work of which Lucia was irritatingly sceptical, prompting her to sigh and ask somewhat pretentiously "Is it finished? And yet I feel inclined to say 'When is it going to begin?' I haven't been fed: I haven't drunk in anything".

On the composer Lucia remarked: Isn't Debussy the man who always makes me want to howl like a dog at the sound of the gong, and wonder when it's going to begin?

Popoffski, Princess ~ psychic medium engaged by Daisy Quantock.

A vegetarian, she had a round pale face, like the moon behind thin clouds, enormous eyebrows that almost met over the nose, a strange slow voice of husky tone and foreign pronunciation. She wore curious rings with large engraved amethysts and turquoises, one Gnostic, one Rosicrucian and the other Cabalistic.

With the help of her secretary Hezekiah Schwartz, the Princess gave dramatic seances at which her spirit guides Pocky and Amadeo materialised and others at which Cardinal Newman put in an appearance.

After a stay with the Quantocks in Riseholme, the Princess mistakenly left behind in her room hundreds of yards of finest muslin and a pair of false eyebrows used to create illusions in her seances. This evidence was burned in the guest bedroom grate by Daisy Quantock.

She was later arrested and described in Todd's News as a Bogus Russian Princess. It emerged that Marie Lowenstein of 15 Gerald Street, Charing Cross Road, calling herself Princess Popoffski, had been brought up at Bow Street Police Court for fraudulently professing to tell fortunes and produce materialised spirits at a seance at her flat.

Robert Quantock bought up and burned as many copies of Todd's News as possible and stole the Colonel's edition of the Daily Mirror from his hallway to avoid the embarrassment of this becoming widely known in Riseholme. Robert and Daisy later shared their little secret and although Georgie suspected what had transpired, it did not become widely known.

Popping ~ Diva Plaistow popped into the grocers in Tilling. She always popped everywhere just then; she popped across to see a friend, and she popped home again; she popped into church on Sunday; and occasionally popped up into town, and Miss Mapp was beginning to feel that somebody ought to let her know, directly or by insinuation, that she popped to much.

Poppit, Isabel ~ see Isabel Poppit

Poppit, Susan ~ see Susan Wyse

Post-cubism ~ avant garde style of painting in vogue during Lucia's season in London.

Lucia attended a private showing of those remarkable artists with Sophie Alingsby. Some were portraits and some landscapes. It was usually easy to tell which was which, since careful scrutiny revealed an eye or stray mouth in some and a tree or house in others. Lucia enthused over a portrait of the artist's wife which she mistook for a picture of Waterloo Bridge, but adroitly covered up her error with appreciation.

Socially ambitious though she was, Lucia could not make the post-cubists all the rage but could give the impression that she had discovered them. Accordingly, Lucia invested in a questionable portrait by leading post-cubist Sigismund, which Sophie declared to be a masterpiece of adagio.

"Prayer, The" ~ a dramatic highlight of Cortese's opera "Lucretia" often sung to great effect by prima donna, Olga Blakely, who performed the title role in the very first production. A particular favourite of Olga's most devoted fan, Georgie Pillson.

Unfortunately, Lucia seemed invariably to be incapable of recognising the piece when she heard it. Upon returning to Mallards House from her solitary visit to Sheffield Castle, Lucia was entranced to be welcomed by "the lovely prayer" from "Lucretia", when in fact Olga had been singing "Les feux magiques" by Berlioz.

President's Cup ~ small silver trophy to be competed for by members donated by Lucia to Riseholme Golf Club following her appointment to its Committee and accession as President

Pride of Poona, the ~ one of Major Benjy's numerous (if he was to be believed) romantic conquests whilst serving King and Empire in India. Once affectionately described by Major Benjy in company over dinner as "a saucy little customer".

Prince of Wales ~ it became known that the Prince of Wales would be passing through Tilling one Saturday on his way to nearby Ardingly Park where he would spend Sunday.

Accordingly most residents, other than Miss Mapp, made a point of dressing in their best clothes and attending at the railway station in time to welcome both of the trains that day that might have brought him.

Miss Mapp wished to avoid being seen loitering about the station, but from her attic window with binoculars was able to monitor whether a car from Ardingly Park awaited the distinguished visitor.

She then visited her coal merchant near the station in time for the 6.45 train. As the car left the station Miss Mapp fell backwards and sat down in the road in mid-curtsy and the small union jack she had secreted in her parasol flew out from its hiding place. Her discomfiture resulted in loud and ungracious laughter from a young man within the receding car.

It emerged that the young man in the car was not a royal visitor. The Station Master informed everyone that the Prince of Wales had arrived at 1.00 and played golf all afternoon - at a time when Major Flint and Captain Puffin would normally have been on the links had they not been awaiting the distinguished arrival at the station.

Next day when most Tillingites were scouring the links in the fruitless hope of seeing the Prince, it emerged that he had spent a solitary hour or more rambling about the centre of Tilling - including five full minutes at the corner by the garden room. He had actually sat on Miss Mapp's steps and smoked a cigarette.

Pug ~ Lady Ambermere's irritable lapdog, often in the keeping of her companion Miss Lyall, whose duties included bathing him once a week.

Once memorably mistakenly sat upon by his mistress. When Pug died he was stuffed and Lady Ambermere sought to present him in a glass case to Riseholme Museum. Only Lucia was brave enough to return the unwanted specimen to The Hall and to confront Lady Ambermere's considerable wrath in person

Puffin, Captain ~ see Captain Puffin

Puss-Cat ~ Miss Mapp referred to her feline companion at Mallards as "Puss-Cat", whom she also called, rather unconvincingly, "Lamb!" and "Love-bird!".

The cat's reported reaction was to dab rather crossly at the caressing hand extended by its mistress and to trot away to ambush itself beneath some fine hollyhocks , where it regarded Miss Mapp and her visitors, Lucia and Georgie, with singular disfavour.

Q ~ is for Quaint Irene

Quai-Hai ~ call of Hindustani origin, a relict of his service in the Raj, normally employed loudly and irritably by Major Benjamin Flint when summoning staff to bring breakfast porridge or other domestic necessaries. Unsurprisingly, its use was discouraged by his wife following marriage, sometimes with the acid phrase "There is a bell, darling".

Quaint Irene Coles (Miss) ~ Resident of Taormina in West Street in Tilling. Free-spirited, free-speaking post-impressionist artist in the modern manner, Germanophil and socialist. Loathed by Miss Mapp who tried in vain to poison minds against her as a disgrace to Tilling and her sex. In contrast Irene was merely amused by Miss Mapp and mockingly dismissive of her. To the irritation of Miss Mapp, male Tillingites such as Captain Puffin and Major Flint liked Irene and found her fetching and killing.

Produced daring life studies of Tilling fishmonger, Mr Hopkins au naturel and stinging caricatures, notably of Elizabeth Mapp.

Sometimes Irene sported an old wide-awake hat, tall collar and stock, large loose coat, knickerbockers and grey stockings. With a handsome boyish face, she often dressed boyishly with Eton crop, fisherman's jersey and breeches. Somewhat eccentric as reflected in her work and mad-cap antics, such as experimenting with living the day backwards, which was very advanced for Tilling.

Passionate admirer with enduring schwarm for Lucia and with the passage of time an increasingly outspoken adversary of Elizabeth Mapp, whom she terrified with her accurate mimicry and called just Mapp, even after her marriage. Demonstrated publicly in favour of the former and against the latter when both were standing as candidates in the Tilling Council elections. Employer of Lucy, a strikingly tall maid. Drove a motorcycle with great elan.

Irene was recognised as a clever and amusing mimic. Dressed as a sailor, she gave her most amusing parody of "The boy stood on the burning deck" to the delight of those attending Lucia's fete in aid of Tilling hospital held in the garden of Mallards. At the request of the Padre, Irene also danced a hornpipe on the lawn in her sailor's clothes.

When once playfully threatening to kiss Georgie, she reassured him with the illuminating words: "Don't be alarmed dear lamb, your sex protects you from any forwardness on my part"

The Birth of Venus, Quaint Irene's satirical portrait of Elizabeth and Benjamin Mapp-Flint became Picture of the Year. It was exhibited at the Royal Academy to great acclaim and considerable national press coverage, including the Times, Daily Telegraph and Daily Mirror. Rather than being upset by the caricature Elizabeth Map-Flint relished the attendant fame and visited the exhibition three times in the hope of being recognised - and was not disappointed.

The painting was subsequently exhibited in Tilling, although Elizabeth had to ask for Lucia to intervene with Irene when she had touched it up by rouging the cheeks and reddening the lips. Lucia, for once, envied Elizabeth's moment in the spotlight and commissioned Irene to paint her own portrait.

Irene's portrait of Lucia showed her in Mayoral robes at the piano surrounded with various symbols, including her paints and bicycle. Lucia generously offered the portrait to the Council in Tilling and hoped it would be displayed behind her Mayoral chair during such times as it was not loaned out for exhibition after being appropriately insured.

Typically ungenerously, her Mayoress and fellow councillor Elizabeth Mapp-Flint prevailed upon the relevant sub-committee unanimously to recommend the council to decline the offer and the portrait was rejected to the humiliation and irritation of Lucia. Following this, Lucia did nothing to prevent Quaint Irene from reinstating her finishing touches to the Birth of Venus before forwarding it to the Carlton Galleries

Quaint Irene later offended Lucia by joining everyone else in Tilling and not believing that Poppy, the Duchess of Sheffield had dined and stayed overnight with her at Mallards House on the way to Olga Braceley's house party at Le Touquet. Irene was mortified when she discovered her error.

Quaint Irene summed up her philosophy of life thus: I never think, I feel!

See Grebe, Art Club Exhibition, Picture of the Year , Diva's faulty flue and "Equality, Fraternity, Nosality".

Quaint Irene's studio ~ the new studio of Irene Coles in Tilling was in a converted coach house. It's decoration was even more appalling than Miss Mapp might have expected.

There was a German stove in the corner made of pink porcelain (to warm her models, such as her maid Lucy or Mr Hopkins, the fishmonger, when posing au naturel).

The rafters and roof were painted scarlet, the walls were of magenta distemper and the floor was blue.

In the corner was a very large orange covered screen which more than catered for the limited modesty of her models and the walls were hung with specimens of Irene's art.

Quantock, Robert ~ husband of Daisy Quantock. Resident of Riseholme. Reputedly, by far the most sarcastic person in Riseholme. Made considerable sums from skillful dealings in Roumanian Oils.

Enjoyed the curries expertly prepared by his wife's guru whilst staying in his home and would happily have engaged him as cook. A considerable trencherman; at dinner most Riseholme-ites left Robert alone, for if disturbed over that function, he was apt to behave like a dog with a bone and growl. If left alone he was in an extremely good temper afterwards.

Dynamic and energetic when required, as when he efficiently disposed of newspaper evidence of the conviction his wife's medium, Princess Popoffski whose real name was Marie Lowenstein. Generally stoic in coping with his wife's succession of enthusiasms, ranging from Christian Science to guru-ism and yoga to mediums and spiritualism.

A founding committee member and the largest subscriber to the Riseholme Museum. He arranged insurance cover for the building and contents and was by far the largest beneficiary from the insurance proceeds when his wife Daisy overfilled the oil heaters used to keep the building dry and it burned down.

Quantock, Daisy~ see Daisy Quantock

Queen Charlotte's Mittens ~ a pair of worsted mittens reputed to have been worn by Queen Charlotte was loaned (not presented) by Lady Cornelia Ambermere to Riseholme Museum: sadly burned in the ensuing conflagration and the subject of unfortunate subsequent disagreement over valuation for compensation purposes. Lady Ambermere demanded compensation of Fifty pounds and after consultation with Lucia the Committee settled the claim at ten shillings and sixpence. The Committee's valuation was supported by the recent sale at auction of a pair of riding gaiters in good condition of King George IV.

Quinine, ammoniated ~ remedy sometimes taken by the ladies of Tilling, as a precaution against chills, after any undue exposure to the inclement elements.

R ~ is for Riseholme

Raschia ~ an ancient Egyptian priestess who employed Daisy Quantock's psychic medium Princess Popoffski for automatic writing

Redcurrant fool ~ thirst-quenching, iced redcurrant fool was much enjoyed at bridge parties and afternoon teas in Tilling, such as those held by Mrs Poppit and Miss Mapp. Typically proprietorial, Miss Mapp claimed she had inherited the recipe from her grandmother and that the secret of its deliciousness lay in the addition of yolk of egg and cream.

On the day of Susan Poppit's investiture by the King as Member of the Order of the British Empire, the redcurrant fool served at an afternoon bridge tea at Starling Cottage was particularly refreshing and enlivened proceedings no end. When Miss Mapp inquired if it perhaps contained a teeny drop of champagne, the butler Boon confirmed - a bottle and a half of champagne and half a bottle of old brandy.

On her return from Buckingham Palace, Mrs Poppit agreed: Boon has made it very tolerably today. A Scotch recipe of my great grandmother's. see Food

Relaxed throat ~ when repairs were being undertaken to Elizabeth Mapp-Flint's considerable denture, she blamed her inability to open her mouth or scarcely open her lips upon an invented "relaxed throat" and must breathe only through her nose

Religion ~ Lucia believed in God in much the same way as she believed in Australia, for she had no doubts as to the existence of either. Lucia went to church on Sunday in much the same spirit as she would look at a kangaroo in the Zoological Gardens, for kangaroos came from Australia.

Rice, Mr ~ the poulterer in Tilling

Riffel Alp ~ resort in Switzerland in which Miss Mapp holidayed. She had enjoyed her stay and had many interesting conversations including long talks to a bishop about the revised Prayer Book, to a Russian exile about Bolshevism and to a member of the Alpine Club about Everest.

Riseholme ~ pretty Elizabethan village in Worcestershire - although reference is sometimes confusingly made to Warwickshire. It was a four hour train journey from London. Many half-timbered houses, a pond and village green. For a short time Riseholme boasted a museum. Home of Philip and Emmeline Lucas in The Hurst and of many friends and neighbours, including Georgie Pillson

Riseholme Golf Club ~ small golf club with a little shed of a club-house recently started by the tradesmen and townspeople of Riseholme and the neighbouring little town of Blitton. Mr Stratton, the landlord of the Ambermere Arms, invited Lucia and Georgie to join its golf-committee and Lucia to be President of the Club. Upon taking office, Lucia donated the President's Cup for the members' competition and Pepino gave the Lucas Cup for foursomes.

Riseholme Museum ~ museum founded by Daisy and Robert Quantock, Georgie Pillson and a small but select group of Riseholme residents - not including Lucia. The founders would share any profits in proportion to their initial subscriptions. The idea for the museum was understood to have originated via the planchette from Daisy Quantock's Egyptian spirit guide, Abfou.

Established in Colonel Boucher's spacious tithe barn on the Green. It displayed miscellaneous curiosities, specimens and antiquities loaned or more usually fervently bestowed by residents.

Items included coins, bones, glass, Samian ware, the greater portion of a spinning wheel, an Elizabethan pestle and mortar, no end of roman tiles, a large wooden post unhesitatingly called a whipping post, some indecipherable documents on parchment with seals attached, maps, fossils, carved stones, quilts, a cradle moth-eaten enough to be Anglo-Saxon, queer-shaped bottles, a tiger-ware jug, fire irons too ponderous to use, and (by special vote of the Parish council) stocks which hitherto had stood at the edge of the pond on the Green. These exhibits were later joined by mittens reputedly once worn by Queen Charlotte loaned (not presented) by Lady Ambermere, who was also kind enough to open the Museum. Later the Museum also housed Lucia's Elizabethan spit and the vicar's collection of walking sticks.

In its first week one hundred and twenty six visitors passed though the turn style (bought from a bankrupt circus for a mere song) each paying a shilling and most also buying a sixpenny catalogue. There was an unfortunate incident when Lady Ambermere and her party were refused access without paying, but even members of the Committee paid to gain entrance.

Lady Ambermere was also furious when the Committee used Lucia as its messenger to decline her offer to exhibit in the Museum her recently deceased lapdog Pug, which had been stuffed and placed in a glass case.

After one busy season and many paying visitors, the Museum sadly burned down. This occurred when Daisy Quantock spilt paraffin when refilling the oil heaters used to keep the premises dry. Fortunately Robert Quantock, with commendable foresight, had arranged insurance for the building and its precious contents, which provided more than adequate cover in the event of fire. Although Mr Quantock received the largest share of the insurance proceeds in respect of contents, improper collusion with the person responsible for starting the conflagration was not suspected - or at least, not voiced.

Riseholmer ~ term invented by Lucia - after Nietzsche's term Mediterranizer - to convey the process of again imbuing oneself with all the special qualities of life only Riseholme had to offer her, after a period away

Robert Quantock ~ see Quantock, Robert husband of Daisy Quantock. Neighbour of Lucia and Georgie

Roman Roads ~ supposed nocturnal field of study of Captain Puffin. In reality, Puffin was enjoying a succession of nightcaps of an evening, sometimes in the garrulous company of his old friend and neighbour, Major Benjamin Flint

Romps ~ preferred activity of Olga Braceley at hilarious soirees consisting mainly of disturbingly informal entertainments, fun and games

Rose-madder worsted ~ ill feeling arose between Elizabeth Mapp and Diva Plaistow when the latter bought from Heynes's the wool shop a quantity of rose-madder worsted which the former had ordered and could not obtain any further supply. The bad feeling spilled over into a petty dispute over the trimming of day-wear with off-cut chintz roses and cornflowers and ultimately their infamous rivalry over their identical kingfisher blue tea gowns.

Roumanian Oils ~ stock in which Robert Quantock successfully invested and which were the main source of his fortunes.

Royal Fish Train ~ As Mayor of Tilling, Lucia lobbied assiduously for the establishment of a daily service to London to supply fish from Tilling to The King and Queen as she believed took place in Elizabethan times, but failed to convince the Directors of the Southern Railway that the Royal Fish Train was a practicable scheme.

They concluded " Should Their Majesties express their royal wish to be supplied with fish from Tilling, the Directors would see that the delivery was made with all expedition, but in their opinion the ordinary resources of the line will suffice to meet Their requirements, of which at present no intimation has been received".

Lucia considered that this failure to think municipally and to bring an Elizabethan custom up to date revealed a sad want of enterprise.

Royce, the ~ large and luxurious chauffeur-driven motor car of the Wyses. Used for the shortest journey and often causing congestion in the narrow High Street of Tilling - to the particular chagrin of Elizabeth Mapp.

Like the Wyses, Lucia also owned a Rolls Royce, which was driven by her loyal and unflappable chauffeur Cadman (who married the estimable Foljambe). Lucia was less ostentatious in her use of her motor car and, unlike the Wyses, usually managed to walk the short distance from her home to the High Street for daily marketing and news gathering.

Rumbold, Mr, sometimes Rushbold ~ the vicar at Riseholme. Donated his unique collection of eighty-one walking sticks to the Museum in Riseholme. The handles of many were curiously carved, some with the gargoyle heads of monsters putting out their tongues and leering, some with images of birds and fish and one rather indelicate one of a man and girl embracing.

Presentation of the collection proved a problem since they regularly fell over when simply rested against a wall. Daisy Quantock devised an ingenious solution of stretching a lawn tennis net against the wall and tastefully entangling the sticks in its meshes.

Rumbold, Mrs ~ the wife of the vicar of Riseholme who trained the choir, described as a grey suspicious mouse

Rush's ~ general store in Riseholme

Rutland Gallery ~ small gallery in London which presented an exhibition Herbert Alton's caricatures of society figures - including Lucia and Pepino (admittedly commissioned by Lucia).

S ~ is for Siriami

SP ~ Stinkpot see Babs Shyton

Sandeman, Agnes or Aggie ~ cousin of Lucia and a member of Lucia's circle during the early part of her London season. Also a cousin of Adele Brixton. Taken by Pepino, at Lucia's request, in her place to the first night of Henry VIII, freeing Lucia to do a socially advantageous favour by making up the table at a chic dinner party held by Marcia Whitby.

Sarah ~ Major Flint's parlourmaid in Tilling.

Sardine tartlets ~ savoury tea-time dish served by Diva Plaistow at Ye Olde Tea House in Tilling - a favourite with her customers.

Once the subject of a creditably accurate still-life painted by Mrs Plaistow and exhibited in Tilling.

Scrub ~ lowest echelon of Riseholme's dress code - as though for a picnic. At dinner, Scrub entailed morning clothes.

Schwartz, Hezekiah ~ Princess Popoffski's secretary and co-conspirator in her nefarious activities which often seemed to involve him lurking beneath tables and pressing switches.

Scotch attorney ~ one of Lucia's many strengths was her straightforward willingness to learn from past misjudgements. Lucia would never forget to her dying day the advent in Riseholme of what she had disdainfully considered a mean little Scotch attorney in whom Daisy had discovered a wonderful mentality. One wonders if this might be a joke by Benson about Ramsay McDonald?

Lucia refused to extend her queenly hospitality to him or to recognise his existence in any way during the fortnight he stayed with Daisy.

Lucia was naturally very much annoyed to find him in a prominent position in the government not many years later. Indeed, she had snubbed him so markedly on his first appearance in Riseholme that he refused on subsequent visits to come to her house at all, though he visited Mrs Quantock several times more and told her all sorts of political secrets (so she said) which she would not divulge for anything in the world. Learning from her experience, Lucia resolved there must never be a repetition of so fatal an error

Scottish dialect ~ patois adopted by Birmingham-born vicar of Tilling, Kenneth Bartlett for reasons never entirely clear. It prompted utterance of phrases such as "Eh, 'tis a bonnie wee drappie of port whatever, Mistress Plaistow", "I dinna ken that yer far wrang in jaloosing that Mistress Mapp might have a wee bitty word to say about it a', 'gin she had the mind" and "Hoots! I'm not mindin' the bit pochmantie" . In this very Caledonian mindset, his spouse,the mouse -like Evie, was his wee wifie, money baubees and playing cards, the cartes. This dialect occasionally alternated with Irish and old English.

Scriggle ~ verb of Miss Map's own invention, highly popular, connoting squeezing and wriggling, as when Miss Mapp scriggled through the sketchers outside Mallards - perhaps more appealing when undertaken by a person of less mature years.

Scroby Windham ~ see Old Mr Toppington

Secret garden ~ see Giardino segreto

Sheffield, Poppy, Duchess of ~ guest with Georgie and Lucia in Olga Bracely's box for the revival of Lucretia. According to Olga, adores beards and hates music, quite gaga, but so harmless. Habitually late and ate only dressed crab and drank oceans of black coffee. Poppy Sheffield was a cousin of the English wife of the Italian composer Signor Cortese.

The liking of the Duchess for men with beards, extended particularly to Georgie with his neat Vandyck. When Lucia proposed herself as the Mayor of Tilling, it led the Duchess to think she might expect Georgie and extended an invitation to to dine and stay overnight at Sheffield Castle. On arrival, Lucia found no other guests and that the Duchess was unwell - and rather disappointed to learn that the Mayor of Tilling was a woman. Taking what advantage she could of the situation, Lucia asked for a guided tour of the Castle with the Duchess and took a great many photographs before departing and returning to Tilling after a brief supper at the Ambermere Arms in Riseholme.

Lucia arranged for her photographs to be quickly processed and displayed in an open album on her piano to enable her to boast about staying with the Duchess of Sheffield. Her white lies rebounded on her however when Mrs Mapp-Flint and the other residents of Tilling gossiped about her absence at Sheffield Castle that night whilst Georgie and Olga were innocently alone back at Mallards House - until Lucia's late return.

Things went from bad to worse from Lucia's perspective when, during Georgie's absence at Le Touquet with Olga Bracely, Poppy Sheffield unexpectedly proposed herself to stay overnight on her way to join Olga's party in Le Touquet, when her ferry from nearby Seaport was delayed.

After a quiet evening a deux, dining on dressed crab, Poppy left at 7.30 next morning. Unfortunately for Lucia, no-one at Tilling - even the devoted and normally loyal Irene Coles - believed her assertion that she had entertained the Duchess alone that evening. Lucia's anguish over her social ostracism, which she faced alone whilst Geogie lingered with Olga in Le Touquet, led to an uncharacteristic outburst against le tout Tilling after church that Sunday.

It was only when Georgie returned from Le Touquet - very much shaken by Poppy's repeated and very forward advances towards him - that Lucia was able to put the record straight. The Duchess again suddenly proposed herself for dinner and an overnight stay and Lucia was able to assemble all her dear friends for dinner at Mallards House at short notice and prove in the flesh that the Duchess was and had been her house guest - much to the chagrin of Elizabeth Mapp-Flint.

By virtue of his locked bedroom door and Lucia's stewardship, Georgie was quite safe from Poppy's advances during her short stay.

Sheffield Bottom ~ village near to which Sheffield Castle was located. See Poppy, Duchess of Sheffield

Shingles ~ ailment suffered by Georgie after moving to Tilling and causing him to go into seclusion . It brought a painful rash on his face and neck making it impossible to shave. As a result Georgie grew a beard which, on Lucia's urging, he retained neatly trimmed and dyed auburn in a distinguished Van Dyk goatee. Also, coincidentally, a clue in Miss Mapp's newspaper crossword - Number 3 Down: A disease, often seen on the sea shore

Shuttleworth, Charlie/Georgie ~ amiable husband of prima donna, Olga Bracely. On being surprised with the acquisition of Old Place in Risehome, generously gave it to his wife. Sadly, passed away leaving Olga a widow between the premiere of Lucretia and Olga's return to perform in London following her world tour.

Shyton, Babs ~ see Babs Shyton

Shyton, Colonel ("Stinkpot", "SP") ~ husband of Babs Shyton, a party in the Shyton Divorce, a cause celebre during Lucia's season in London. It was understood that sometimes he would lie in bed all day, get up in the evening, have breakfast at 8pm, lunch a little after midnight and dine heavily at 8.30 in the morning. Lucia considered he must have been an impossble person with whom to live and that with a husband like that any woman would want a Woof-dog to look after her.

Singleton, Archie ~ brother of Babs Shyton. Weekend house-guest of Adele Brixton. See Brixton, Adele

Sigismund, Tancred ~ fashionable avant-garde London post-Cubist portrait painter, commissioned to paint Lucia. Lucia was first invited to meet him at Sophie Alingsby's: Breakfast about half-past twelve. Vegetarian with cocktails. Sophie later described Lucia's portrait as a masterpiece of adagio. His portrait of Lucia looked like a chessboard with some arms and legs and eyes sticking out of it.

Lucia decided to sell the portrait when disposing of 25 Brompton Square, since she determined that the post-Cubists were not making much of a mark.

Simpkinson ~ Daisy Quantock's gardener. Dismissed on suspicion of doing his crossword puzzle during working hours and later reinstated with much effort required to undo Mrs Quantock's handiwork in the interim, including pruning a favourite mulberry tree - nearly to death

Siegfried ~ role played by Pepino in tableaux in support of Lucia's Brunnhilde

Simpson, Mrs ~ no, not that one -Lucia's personal secretary engaged to type correspondence and manage Lucia's diary after her appointment as Mayor of Tilling. Not an unduly onerous position.

Siriami ~ West African gold mining shares bought speculatively by Lucia and later by several Tillingites, including the Mapp-Flints and, in a minuscule way, by Diva Plaistow

Slam, Little ~ see Little Slam

Smythe ~ Lucia was by birth one of the Warwickshire Smythes - as confirmed by Hermione in his Five o 'clock Chit-Chat evening newspaper column, shortly after Lucia's arrival at 25 Brompton Square.

Snowdrops ~ a favourite flower of Elizabeth Mapp which appeared in the garden of Mallards as a balmy foretaste of spring each year. Miss Mapp was was wont to call them "My sweet snowdrops" and arrange a few of them in a small glass vase in her garden room.

One morning, following the passing of Captain Puffin, Miss Mapp sewed a few snowdrops together with cotton to make a button-hole for Major Benjy on his way to play golf. The romantic and proprietorial significance of this gesture was not lost on the assembled group of Diva, Irene and the Bartletts and elicited the knowing comment from the Padre of "Snowdrops, i'fegs".

By contrast, Lucia always detested snowdrops: they hung their heads and were feeble; they typified for her slack though amiable inefficiency.

Southern Railway Preferred, Southern Prefs ~ shares bought by Lucia with the proceeds of sale of her holding in Siriami. Later sold at a scandalous profit.

Spanish Quartet ~ celebrated classical string quartet engaged by Olga Braceley to play at her party and embarrassingly confused by Lucia with the lamentably poor Brinton Quartet

Spencer & Son ~ plumber established in Tilling since 1820 which undertook all kinds of work connected with plumbing and drains. Lucia mistook some of its earthenware drainage goods for Roman remains during her abortive excavations in the garden of Mallards House - misjudging the letters "SP" on a fragment to be the beginning of "SPQR" rather than the name of the plumbers.

St. Lucecilia ~ nickname unkindly ascribed to Lucia during the address of the Bishop in the service of dedication of Lucia's organ in Tilling church. The barb was prompted by a very charming allusion by the Bishop to the patroness of organs, St Cecilia, immediately followed by a reference to the donor, "your distinguished citizen-ess" - almost as if Lucia and that sainted musician were one.

Stephen Merriall ~ see Hermione

Steps ~ in another example of her unstinting munificence towards Tilling, Lucia used part of the profits of eight thousand pounds made in share dealing (on the advice of her excellent broker Mammoncash) to relay from top to bottom the flight of steps from the Norman church down to the road below and to put up a most elegant hand rail.

A very modest stone tablet recorded in quite small letters the name of the person to whom Tilling owed this important restoration. That person had also carefully chosen the lettering and composed the modest inscription upon the tablet. See Almond trees.

Stratton, Mr ~ Landlord of the Ambermere Arms, a licensee and dealer in antiques catering for the American tourist trade. Sold Old Place to Olga Braceley. See Old Place

Starling Cottage ~ home in Tilling of Algernon and Susan Wyse.

Storm at Sea ~ dramatic tone-poem by Falberg played, to the accompaniment of a thunder storm, upon the dedication of the organ in Tilling church by the Bishop following its rebuilding and improvement funded by a donation from Lucia - after Lucia herself had movingly performed a transcription of the Moonlight Sonata - with Georgie on the pedals.

Sturgis, Mr. ~ present at the fete in aid of Tilling Hospital hosted by Lucia in the garden of Mallards during her initial summer letting - much to the chagrin of Elizabeth Mapp. Greeted by Miss Mapp with a cordial "How de do" followed by a less than sincere "Delighted you could come to entertain the old folks for us". This followed mention of the dreadful old wretches from the workhouse being served tea by Irene and the Padre's curate and so Mr Sturgis might well have been the curate.

Subletting ~ annual practice in Tilling whereby houses were let to visitors during the lucrative summer high season. As larger houses such as Mallards were let at the top of the tree, lettings percolated down through the hierarchy with Wasters and Taormina being let and so on down to the bottom of the chain.

Local Estate Agents, Woolgar & Pipstow acted in many lettings, but disputes often arose over commission due when an owner allegedly found a suitable tenant by their own efforts - as when Miss Mapp let Mallards to Lucia following her own advertisement in the Times. See Equality, Fraternity, Nosality.

Suntrap ~ house in Curfew Street in Tilling let to Lady Deal for occupation by Miss Mackintosh her elderly governess and Susie, her old nurse. See Lady Deal and Miss Mackintosh.

Susan Wyse ~ lately the wife of Algernon Wyse. Formerly Susan Poppit, mother of sun-loving Isabel.

A genteel lady of Juno-esque proportions, once less kindly referred to as "immense bulk". Considered by some, notably Elizabeth Mapp a snob and rather de trop. Proud recipient of the MBE. Wore the insignia of her Order as frequently as was seemly. At her investiture by the King, the Queen had charmingly and memorably remarked So pleased.

Wearer of a heavy sable coat (whatever the weather) and a stuffed budgerigar - Blue Birdie - of varying hue. Travelled in her large Rolls Royce however short the journey - even, or some might say particularly, around the narrow and congested lanes of Tilling.

On the demise of Blue Birdie became somewhat overwrought and commenced a series of seances - wearing an imposingly voluminous white shift - with automatic writing until convinced by Lucia that the late Blue Birdie had passed fully through to the other side.

When cycling became all the rage in Tilling, sportingly rode a stylish new tricycle. With little sense of irony, after a long wait at the corner of Porpoise Street, where a standing motor left only eight or nine feet of the roadway clear, Susan emerged majestically into the high Street, complaining to the Mayor, "Those large motors ought not to be allowed in our narrow streets."

Susie, Susan ~ former childhood nurse of Lady Florence Deal who occupied Suntrap in Curfew Street in Tilling with former governess, Miss Mackintosh

T ~ is for Tilling

Tableaux ~ favourite entertainment at Lucia's soirees in Riseholme including Brunhilde, the execution of Mary Queen of Scott's and King Cophetua and the beggar maid. The quality of performance, stage management and dramatic tension of these presentations was, to say the least, variable. Tableuax were usually described as impromptu - but never really were.

Taormina ~ modest home in Tilling of resident artist and bohemian, Quaint Irene Coles

Tar Pot ~ see Fire Pot

Teacher's robe ~ particularly becoming dress of white linen in which Lucia habited herself to give yoga instruction to her less-advanced neighbours in Riseholme. It reached to her feet and had full flowing sleeves like a surplice. The girdle of it was a silver cord with long tassels and it had mother-of-pearl buttons and a hood at the back, lined with white satin, which came over her head. Lucia's teacher's robe was worn with white Moroccan slippers

Teeth ~ whilst not exactly advertising the issue, Lucia made no attempt to hide the fact that she wore a dental plate. Elizabeth Mapp-Flint on the other hand concealed her need for false teeth, blaming her closed mouth upon a relaxed throat.

Their common bond of need for dental artifice emerged when a denture unmistakably Elizabeth's was delivered in error to Lucia at Mallards. Magnanimously, Lucia resisted the temptation urged upon her by Georgie to forward the item to Mrs Mapp-Flint with an appropriate note.

Terling, Miss ~ mentioned once by Diva Plaistow to Elizabeth Mapp. A resident of Tilling reportedly guilty of a double revoke at bridge. Never heard of again.

Thomas ~ delivery boy of Mr Cannick the grocer in Tilling

Tilling ~ there is not in all England a town so blatantly picturesque as Tilling, nor one for the lover of level marsh land, of tall reedy dykes, of enormous sunsets and rims of blue sea on the horizon, with so fortunate an environment.

Situated on higher ground above the marshy lands towards the coast, Tilling boasted cobbled streets, a Norman church with a tower, fine Georgian and Queen Anne houses, some older cottages and a convenient array of well-stocked shops. It was a mecca for visitors many of whom wished to capture its beauty in charcoal, pencil or paint. Naturally, Tilling had a town-crier.

It was generally recognised that no true Tillingite was ever really happy away from her town; foreigners were very queer untrustworthy people and, if you did not like the food, it was impossible to engage another cook for an hotel of which you were not the proprietor

Tilling 23 ~ the telephone number of the Padre, the Rev Kenneth Bartlett and his wife, Evie

Tilling 67 ~ Miss Mapp's telephone number at Mallards.

Tilling 76 ~ the telephone number of Suntrap leased by Lady Deal.

Tilling Cricket Club ~ Brother's Georgie and Per on the committee of Tilling's Cricket club invited Lucia and Georgie to view a game at the cricket ground. Lucia offered to make a donation sufficient to level and relay the ground and was subsequently nominated and unanimously elected as President of the club

Tilling Football Club ~ since the football club used the same ground and benefited from what the Hastings Chronicle described as a munificent gift from Mrs Pillson of Mallards House, Tilling, the football club also elected Lucia as their President. Naturally such press coverage caused much distress and irritation to Mrs Mapp-Flint.

Tilling Working Club ~ worthy organisation established by Miss Mapp engaged in patriotic good works such as knitting and bandage-rolling. Unlike Mrs Poppit, its founder and organiser Miss Mapp was not insulted for her more discreet good works by the award of an MBE - or any other decoration.

Tiptree or Tipsipoozie ~ lean Irish terrier of Hermy and Ursy Pillson. Boisterous like his mistresses and very fond of jam - and marmalade. Not so well-disposed towards his timid host Georgie Pillson.

Titum ~ the second echelon of Riseholme's dress code which indicated a moderately smart party. At dinner, Titum for gentlemen entailed black tie and a short coat (see Hitum and Scrub)

Mrs Titus W. Trout ~ American socialite reported in an American fashion paper to have worn a particularly fetching tea gown; it was described as kingfisher blue and had lumps and wedges of lace around the edge of the skirt and orange chiffon around the neck. The dress proved to become a bone of massive contention between Miss Mapp and Miss Plaistow - to the extent that a dress can become a bone of any kind.

Todd's News ~ a new popular twopenny newspaper in a yellow cover which carried a report of the trial and conviction of fraudulent psychic medium Marie Lowenstein, also known as Princess Popoffski, who had been engaged by Daisy Quantock.

Toppington, Old, Mr. ~ mentioned by Mrs Boucher (formerly Weston) at some length in conversation with Georgie in Riseholme when the topic was Pepino and Lucia's expectation following the death of wealthy Aunt Amy.

In this context, Mrs Boucher recalled that when old Mr Toppington died, he left his son or nephew (she couldn't be sure of which) a sum that brought him in just about three thousand pounds a year (which it was understood was likely to pass to Pepino from his late aunt) and he "was considered a very rich man". Mrs Boucher called it "an immense fortune". She went on to explain that Mr Toppinton had the house just beyond the church at Scroby Windham, where her father was rector and he built the new wing with the billiard room. At this point Georgie was relieved to extricate himself by conveying Olga Braceley's invitation to Jacob and Jane to lunch during her impending visit.

Toppington, Young, Mr. ~ according to Mrs Boucher, the son of Old Mr Toppington. Married the niece of the man who invented laughing gas.

Tracing ~ sketching and painting were popular pastimes amongst the elite of Tilling which hosted summer and latterly winter exhibitions to display the efforts of certain local artists.

The range of talent and approach varied. Georgie Pillson was a skillful and painstaking draughtsman well able to cope with the technical demands of interiors and the architectural exteriors with which Tilling quaintly abounded.

Elizabeth Mapp, on the other hand, appears to have been less skilled and often chose to depict softer and less demanding subjects such as local land or seascapes, particularly at dawn or dusk when a more impressionistic and less "accurate" approach could be employed.

When the subject matter meant that straight lines and the laws of perspective simply could not be avoided Miss Mapp was known covertly to rely upon outlines traced from pictures.

Trader's Arms ~ public house and hotel in Tilling. Lucia and Georgie lodged there in adjoining and very separate bedrooms on their first visit to Tilling.

Tsarkoe Selo ~ vegetarian restaurant in London at which Daisy Quantock had first met psychic medium Princess Popoffski

Twistevant's ~ greengrocer's and stores in Tilling. The proprietor, Mr Twistevant was a Town Councillor and owned many of the slum dwellings in Tilling - eight of which were condemned as insanitary in a report by the Town Surveyor and recommended for demolition.

Lucia used Mr Twistevant's son to illustrate the perils of gambling: lately married and with a baby on the way, he had been backing horses and was in debt with his last quarter's rent unpaid. Lucia considered that this was all the result of gambling. Georgie did not see how the baby was the result of gambling - unless he bet he wouldn't have one.

U ~ is for Ursula

"Ulysses" ~ although not expressly identified by name, referred to in "Trouble for Lucia" as "that huge horrid, book by Mr James Joyce, which all happens in one day".

Lucia noted the similarity between "Ulysses" and the eventful day upon which she had unnecessarily fled from Riseholme to avoid Cortese and his English wife, who it turned out spoke no Italian, shirked a council meeting, wangled an invitation to Sheffield Castle, drove there even though her hostess was indisposed, stayed there for quite three quarters of an hour, dined alone in Riseholme and returned to Tilling to find her husband a deux - albeit entirely innocently - with a glamorous prima donna.

United services ~ with their proud service backgrounds, retired Indian army officer Major Benjamin Flint and his friend and neighbour, former naval officer, Captain Richard Puffin.

Uric Acid Monthly ~ the title of a little booklet picked up on a book-stall by Daisy Quantock which led to a keen but passing enthusiasm (being one of many over the years). Its contents led her to conclude that her buxom frame consisted almost entirely of waste products which must be eliminated. She learned that every atom of beef, mutton or potatoes turned from the moment it was swallowed into chromogens and toxins and that appetite was merely the result of fermentation.

It led Daisy to confine herself at dinner to an abominable mess of cheese and proteid powder, apples, salad oil, nuts and pine kernels each weighed out with scrupulous accuracy. Tea and coffee were taboo and instead sips of hot water were consumed.

Her supplies were replenished periodically by strange gaunt females from London with small parcels full of tough food that tasted of travelling bags.

After a time on this regime based upon the precepts of perfect health, notwithstanding her iron constitution, Daisy became anaemic. A course of beef steaks and other substantial viands loaded with uric acid restored her to her former vigour

Ursula Pillson, Ursy ~ sister of Hermione (Hermy) and Georgie Pillson ( see Hermione Pillson)

V ~ is for Vittoria

Vermouth ~ favourite drink of prima donna Olga Bracely, who said to Georgie Pillson, "Vermouth always makes me brilliant, unless it makes me idiotic, but we'll hope for the best."

Vittoria ~ spirit guide to Lucia in Riseholme - as Abfou was to Daisy Quantock. Considered by many to have foretold the destruction by fire of Riseholme Museum.

W ~ is for Wyses of Whitchurch

Wasters ~ residence in Tilling of Diva Plaistow. The front parlour became a successful tea shop where Lucia's circle often met for a shilling or eighteen pence tea and a convivial rubber of bridge.

Watercolours ~ painting in watercolours was a popular pastime in both Riseholme and Tilling.

Georgie's artistic tastes extended to charming little watercolour sketches, many of which he framed at this own expense and gave to friends. They tended to have sentimental titles neatly printed in gilt letters on the mount, such as Golden Autumn Wonderland, Bleak December, Yellow Daffodils and Roses of Summer.

He undertook portraits in watercolours, including memorably the prima donna Olga Bracely and also in pastels. He specialised in old ladies in lace caps and pearls and boys in cricket shirts with their sleeves rolled up. He was not good at eyes and his sitters tended to be downcast. He did excel at smiles so paradoxically the old ladies smiled patiently and sweetly and the boys gaily. He also essayed studies of interiors such as the garden room of Mallards and many views of picturesque and historic Tilling and its surrounds.

Lucia was also a skillful water-colourist. Elizabeth Mapp produced a quantity of work of variable quality. She was not a particularly capable draughts-person and would covertly rely upon tracing if difficult perspectives were required. Her forte was chiefly more impressionistic studies at dawn and dusk which conveniently called for less precision. Other members of la creme de Tilling also exercised artistic skills particularly of local views and buildings. Still lives included a very realistic sardine tartlet by local tea shop proprietor, Diva Plaistow. Their work was often displayed at Tilling's summer or winter Art Exhibition.

Watson, Alf ~ famous prize fighter and flautist often present at society functions during Lucia's London season. Described as a slim young gentleman with a soft voice who turned out to be the bloodiest pugilist of the century.

Weedj ~ noun or verb employed in Riseholme to convey participation in psychical processes, whether ouija or planchette -as in "I'm just popping over to Mrs Quantock's for to weedj" or "I'm off for a weedj".

Weston, Mrs. Jane (later Mrs Boucher or Mrs Colonel) ~ resident of Riseholme and member of Lucia's circle. In a wheelchair -often pushed around the Green in it at great speed by her employee Tommy Luton (whose mother had been an esteemed supplier of fresh fish, whose death necessitated the inconvenience of recourse to a fishmonger in Brinton). Lately married Colonel Jacob Boucher, partly due to the match-making of new neighbour, Olga Bracely.

An excellent observer and superb reporter. Brilliant at deductive reasoning - as when over a dinner of brill and partridge with Colonel Boucher she accurately surmised that Olga Bracely had taken Old Place with Mr Georgie acting as her local agent and arranging for remedial works, decoration and furnishing.

Whitchurch ~ place of origin of the family of Algernon Wyse

Whitby, Marcia, Duchess of Whitby ~ well known hostess and member of high society and friend of Lucia during her season in London.

Pointedly did not invite Lucia to her ball towards the end of the season until Lucia had announced in The Times, Morning Post, Daily Telegraph and Daily Mail that Mr and Mrs Philip Lucas had left London for two or three days' complete rest.

On receiving her belated invitation Lucia dropped everything and notwithstanding two punctures returned to London to change and appear shortly after midnight just in time to curtsy to the assembled royalty no less than seven times in rapid succession.

Marcia later commented to Adele Brixton, "She stopped to the very end. She was positively the last to go. I shall never do a kind thing again"

Whitman, Walt ~ renowned American poet who influenced the work of Philip Lucas. The loose rhythms of Whitman's work could be detected in the amateur writings of Philip Lucas, but the smooth suavity of Pepino's prose-poems bore no resemblance whatever to the productions of what Riseholme, in its wisdom, considered to be a barbaric bard and a crude, rude American.

Widow of a Baronet ~ one August, Elizabeth Mapp-Flint again secured a tenant for Grebe through her own advertisement in The Times - and thus saved those monstrous fees of house agents. Her new tenant was judged most desirable since she was the widow of a Baronet.

Her interesting new tenant had forty-seven canaries, each in its own cage and the noise of their pretty chirping could be heard, if the wind was favourable, a full quarter of a mile from the house. She personally cleaned out all their cages every morning, which accounted for her not being seen in Tilling till after lunch.

She then rode into town on a tricycle and bought rape seed and ground seed in prodigious quantities. She had no dealings with the butcher and was probably a vegetarian. Diva Plaistow saw her clad in a burnous kneeling on a carpet in the garden and prostrating herself in an eastwards position, from which it was generally inferred that she was a Mohammedan as well.

When the tenant refused to open the door to Diva but shouted from an upstairs window "Not at home. Ever," it was concluded that she was a lunatic. Lucia did not fare much better when she called. Although there was no reply, groundsel rained down upon her from the same window.

Wind egg ~ a phrase of Greek origin suggested by Lucia to describe the fanciful phantom pregnancy enjoyed by Mrs Mapp-Flint following her marriage.

Withers, Ethel (Miss) ~ Miss Mapp's servant at Mallards and subsequently Grebe. Walking out with Tilling fishmonger and painter's model, Mr Hopkins.

"Woof-dog" ~ pet name for Lord Middlesex, Babs Shyton's alleged lover in the controversial divorce case, closely followed by Lucia and other members of London society.

Babs had certainly written to Woof-dog to say that she was in bed and very sleepy and cross, but wished that Woof-dog was thumping his tail on the hearthrug. Woof-dog came across to the court as a strong silent Englishman and when he was asked if he had ever kissed Babs he said "That' a lie" in such a fierce voice that you felt the jury had better believe him unless they all wanted to be knocked down.

Woolgar & Pipstow ~ estate agents in Tilling sometimes involved in procuring summer lets of properties such as Mallards. Clients such as Miss Mapp were most anxious to avoid paying fees wherever it could be argued that they had procured the letting themselves -as when Lucia replied to Miss Mapp's advertisement in The Times. Regularly mis-described by Lucia as Woggles & Pickstick and Woggle & Pipsqueak

Wootten, Mr ~ Miss Mapp's coal merchant whose premises were adjacent to the Railway Station in Tilling.

Worcestershire Herald ~ newspaper local to Riseholme

Mr.Worthington ~ butcher and game merchant in Tilling

Worship ~ Lucia's title as Mayor. Used with a hint of sarcasm by certain friends in Tilling, notably Mrs Elizabeth Mapp-Flint

Winterglass, Dame Catherine ~ formerly the spinster governess of the children of a Balham solicitor. She had been dismissed at 45 to make way for someone younger.

With capital of £500 she embarked upon a career of operations of the Stock Exchange which were spectacularly successful, making a vast fortune.

At the time of her death at the age of 55, she had a house in Grosvenor Square where she entertained royalty, an estate in Mocomb Regis in Norfolk for partridge shooting, a deer forest in Scotland and a sumptuous yacht for sailing in the Mediterranean.

At all times Dame Catherine was in touch with the market. She devoted money to hospitals, girl guides, dogs' homes, indigent parsons and many other good causes. It was believed that notwithstanding her considerable benevolent largesse, she continued to expand her fortune until the time of her death.

Lucia used Dame Catherine as a model for her own stock market operations being roughly of the same age at the outset. A framed photograph of Dame Catherine stood in Lucia's office -with the rubber matting outside so as not to be disturbed - by way of tribute and motivation.

Wyse, Algernon ~ see Algernon Wyse

Wyse, Susan, MBE , Mrs ~ see Susan Wyse MBE formerly Poppit

Wyses of Whitchurch, the ~ see Whitchurch

X ~ is for Xmas Festivities

Xmas Festivities ~ one snowy Christmas evening in Riseholme Georgie invited Lucia and Pepino, Colonel Boucher and Mrs Weston, Robert and Daisy Quantock and Mrs Rumbold to dine -which was two more than Foljambe approved of and made for a tense evening.

After dinner, the carol singers came and Lucia failed to realise that Olga Bracely had again disguised herself as a small red-haired boy. In her ignorance Lucia of course found fault with the performance - as she had done when he/she sang deafeningly incognito in the choir in church - and hoped the boy's voice would crack soon.

Georgie however was overjoyed at Olga's presence covertly for the carols and openly for the tableaux after dinner.

Prior to the arrival of Lucia and Georgie in Tilling, Christmas was not marked particularly extravagantly. In Miss Mapp's circle, expenditure tended to be confined to the choice of threepenny, sixpenny or shilling Christmas cards from the stationers in Tilling - mainly from the threepenny tray.

Instead of joining in this practice, Lucia and Georgie generously sent well-chosen gifts: a terrine of pate de foie gras with a very distinguished label for Miss Mapp, hard chocolates for Diva Plaistow, a great pot of caviare for Susan Wyse, a new umbrella with a silver band engraved with his initials for the Padre and half a dozen bottles of pre-war whisky for Major Benjy

Christmas Day dinner for Miss Mapp and Diva traditionally alternated between Mallards and Wasters and that year included sampling Lucia and Georgie's tasteful gifts.

On Boxing Day, Lucia was due to give a Christmas tree for local choir in the evening in her large kitchen at Grebe. Under the pretence of asking to join her callisthenics class and thanking Lucia for her gift of pate if seen, it was actually the desire to acquire the recipe for Lobster a la Riseholme that led Miss Mapp to be uninvited in the kitchen at Grebe at the moment the great flood occurred and to see in the New Year with Lucia on an Italian trawler on the Gallagher Bank.

The Padre's new umbrella was unfortunately swept out to see when he failed to hook the upturned kitchen table as it swept by, but was later recovered - as was the kitchen table and its passengers.

Y ~ is for Yoga

Ye Old Booke Shoppe ~ booksellers in Riseholme - early same-day printers - who might be instructed to print calling cards in a couple of hours. Possibly connected with Ye Signe of Ye Daffodile (see below)

Ye Signe of Ye Daffodile (or Daffodille) ~ printers on the Green in Riseholme started at the expense of Philip Lucas and engaged by him for the private publication of his verse in volumes such as Flotsam and Jetsam. The type was hand-set and each volume exquisitely bound. It also put forth a reprint of Shakespeare's sonnets. Lucia undertook a course in book-binding there.

Ye Olde Tea-House ~ tea shop established by Diva Plaistow in the parlour of Wasters, her home in Tilling. Opened by Lucia as Mrs Pillson rather than in her Mayoral capacity. A thriving social centre where friends would meet for tea and enjoy a rubber of bridge. When the Padre brought a party of clerical tourists he would have his tea provided gratis as was customary with couriers.

Yoga ~ favourite pastime in Riseholme after the advent of the guru introduced by Daisy Quantock and taken over by Lucia. Lucia went on to advanced classes herself and gave beginners' lessons to those just starting. Lucia particularly enjoyed wearing what she called her teacher's robe for her beginners' classes.

"You are the queen of my heart tonight" ~ popular song performed by Major Benjy in the High Street in Tilling after enjoying a bibulous dinner at the home of Mr and Mrs Wyse. The curate returning home after a meeting of the Band of Hope had witnessed Benjy standing in the middle of the road, compelling a motor to pull up with a shriek of brakes, and asked to see the driver's licence, insisting that he was a policeman in plain clothes on point duty. When that matter was settled in a most sympathetic manner by a real policeman, Benjy informed him that "Msslucas was a regular stunner" and began singing "You are the queen of my heart tonight". Friends concluded that the fresh air had made him much worse.

Z ~ is for Zounds and zooks

Zounds and zooks ~during the pageant on the Green in Riseholme when Lucia as Queen was just leaving the deck, the whole stern of the Golden Hind on which a sheep had been spit-roasted, broke off and fell into the pond with a fearful splash and hiss. Before anyone could laugh, Lucia broke into a ringing cry "Zounds and zooks! Thus will I serve the damned galleons of Spain" and, with a magnificent gesture, swept on.

Press reports singled this out as a wonderful piece of symbolism leading on to the coming of the Armada. This contrasted with the inevitability of a more prosaic response had Daisy Quantock retained the role of Elizabeth I and served only to increase Lucia's triumph.

EPILOGUE

So there you have a brief exploration of two perfect English locations created by E F Benson.

For me Riseholme will always mean Piggy and Goosie romping about the stocks on the Green, Daisy Quantock falling prey to her curry cook guru and the fraudulent Princess Popoffski, Georgie Pillson's very platonic crush on Olga Bracely and Lucia reading Pepino's Flotsam and Jetsam next to Perdita's border at the Hurst.

Favourite images of Tilling include the question "Any news" when friends meet during morning marketing, Major Benjy shouting Quai Hai for his breakfast, Quaint Irene always behaving endearingly badly, Diva Plaistow failing to control the mangy Paddy, the Padre's strange talk in archaic Scotch and mouse-like Evie's squeaks.

Susan Wyse, swathed in sables and wearing her MBE, waves from the Royce with the late Blue Birdie pinned to her hat and Algernon bows to one and all.

In the meantime Georgie dusts his bibelots whilst Lucia, in mayoral robes, yet again gives a rendition of the Moonlight Sonata.

Through all this, a resentful Elizabeth Mapp-Flint looks on with gritted teeth.

Bridge, gossip, snobbery, drama and conflict: Riseholme and Tilling have it all. I normally re-read the Mapp and Lucia canon at least once a year - usually in that dreary few weeks after Christmas. It's always like a pleasant holiday to revisit unchanging Riseholme and Tilling: I commend it.

Until next time, Au reservoir!